Check out this entry from Wikipedia’s Sweet Valley High page:

My Best Friend’s Boyfriend  Liz finds out that Her boyfriend, Todd, is also dating Jessica, who is also dating Bruce, who is also dating Cara, who is also dating John, who is also dating Lila, who is also dating Steven, who is also dating Betsy Martin, who is also dating Winston, who is also dating Liz

Clearly an ex-ghostie with a sense of humor.

Either way, it sounds better than the acual book. Especially the bit about Betsy Martin dating Winston.

Indeed, the real story is much suckier. It’s the story of two SVH juniors we’ve never heard of before or since – Denise Hadley and Ginny Belasca. Denise is a gorgeous redhead with a trusty boyfriend Jay, while Ginny is the plain looking, subordinate, doormat friend who idolises her.

[Liz/Enid haters: Sound familiar?]

Here’s how it plays out:

Scene 1

Sweet Valley Mall

Denise: My boyfriend Jay is so wonderful and awesome and he loves me. Does this hat make my head look big? Oh and did I mention my boyfriend Jay?

Ginny: You’re so wonderful Denise! I am so grateful to be fortunate enough to go to the mall and look for clothes for you. Did I mention I am ugly?

Denise: Don’t worry  – you have great inner beauty. [actual quote]

Scene 2

Project Youth Headquarters

Amy Sutton: Hello, this is project youth

Student: Hi there. Today my teacher cracked on to me.

Amy Sutton: Here, talk to someone else. [presses “Line 2”]

Amy Sutton: Oh, hey Jessica. Today a teacher cracked on to a student at our school!

Jess [shouting]: Hey Liz, I’ve got gossip.

Liz: This is so sad and horrible. I am enraged! [Balls fists].

Scene 3

Project Youth Headquarters

Ginny: Hmm, I think I will work at project youth. Maybe it will make popular people like Amy Sutton like me.

Ginny: Hello, this is Project Youth. [Never mind that I just walked in off the street and have no formal training.]

Mike: Oh, hey. I am so bummed. I have a stepdad. Which is pretty much the worst thing one can have in this town.

Ginny: OMG a child of divorce?

Stunned Silence.

 Ginny: Wanna talk?

Mike: blah de blah de blah….oh hey, wanna go out sometime?

Ginny: Well, I’m pretty sure that’s breaking rule number one…but when Amy Sutton sets the rules around here I don’t see why not!

Scene 4

Belasca Residence

Ginny: Denise, I am so ugly! I cannot go out with this Mike guy! He will hate me!

Denise: Oh okay. I will do you a massive favour and pretend to be you. That should work, I mean the Wakefields do it all the time.

Ginny: Oh Denise, you are the best friend ever!

Scene 5

Guidos Pizzeria

Denise-as-Ginny: You must be Mike! I think I am in love!

Mike, to himself: This is the most boring date of my life. Still, she’s a babe so I think I’ll ask her out again.

Scene 6

Project Youth Headquarters

Mike [on the phone]: Hey Ginny. You were acting weird last night, but I think we should go out again. Also, your voice keeps changing.

Ginny: OK. I had fun with you at Caseys yesterday.

Mike: But we went to Guidos.

Scene 7

Dairi Burger, the following day

Denise: Ginny, you have to come on our date. I am in love with Mike but we have nothing to talk about.

Mike: Hi Ginny. Hi Ginny’s friend.

Denise-as-Ginny: Oh Mike! I am in love with you. Jay who?

Ginny-as-Denise: Hi Mike, I am Denise.

Mike: Hi Denise. [they joke around for two minutes.]

Denise-as-Ginny: Wow, you two are hitting it off. Too bad I called dibs.

Mike: Can’t we just talk about all my problems Ginny? You are very selfish in real life.

Denise: Wanna hang out again tomorrow Mike?

Mike: Yeah but can you bring Denise?

Scene 8

Project Youth Headquarters

Mike [on the phone to the real Ginny]: I know what’s going on! Sorry it took me so long to work out – I am very slow because my parents are divorced. I completely understand why you sent your friend in your place as she is must better looking, however I think we should date because I like dumping all my divorce-child-angst on you.

Ginny: Oh Mike, how sweet! Wanna fall in love and travel into Sweet Valley Oblivion together!

Mike: Sure !

Meanwhile, back at school:

Liz: Mr Collins! I am going to write an independent review in the Oracle about this horrible teacher-student relationship situation! Do you know that a teacher in this town hit on a student?

Mr Collins: Oh, erm, uh, I dunno Liz. I don’t think you should write that article. Can’t you just stick to eyes and ears or the perils of divorce?

Penny Ayala: Don’t worry Liz, we are kick ass feminist writers. Let’s ignore our principals refusal to publish our story and run it anyway!

Mr Collins: Oops, sorry girls! Just walked into the wrong bathroom by mistake again! Principal Cooper wants to speak to you

Principal “Chrome Dome” Cooper: You girls have been very deceitful but because one of you is a Wakefield, I will overlook it.

But now let me leave you with a rather ominous quote from the book:

A quote from the Oracle meeting with Liz, Penny, Olivia Davidson and John Pfeifer [who in no less than three books turns into a rapist and a pyromaniac.]

‘It’s a subject that nobody talks about and I think that’s a dangerous thing. A lot of girls can get hurt by the silence,’ said Elizabeth.

John put down the photographs and nodded emphatically.

‘I totally agree, for another reason,’ he said. ‘There are lots of things that guys don’t realise are offensive to girls unless someone tells them. Men and women see things differently, and sometimes you might have to tell guys how a girl sees a situation that might be scary to her.’

It’s scary alright….

I recently spent an entire 22-hour plane ride engrossed in “Dancing on My Grave”, the tell-all autobiography of America’s prima ballerina Gelsey Kirkland. It’s a haunting read, depicting the mental torment of Kirkland, [who is in my opinion the greatest classical ballerina of the 20^th century] and her well-publicised battle with cocaine.

So as I drifted off to sleep in that mid-afternoon, jet-lagged haze, where do you think my thoughts took me? To Baryshnikov? No! To the New York City Ballet? No!

Engrained in my conscious from a very young age is of course that ominous association between cocaine and…. Regina Morrow.

Oh,oh with white teeth

Oh, oh Regina…. [I googled this. I think it’s a Bjork song]

Now I’ve recapped Regina’s untimely end previously, so when I was wide awake at 4am the following day, I started reading this epic little piece of fiction: SVH #26 “Hostage”. It’s the story of Bruce and the twin’s secret mission to free Regina from a “mean little man” [their words, not mine] and his evil accomplice.

Regina Morrow has been away in Swizerland, undergoing a miraculous procedure to get her hearing fixed [Skye Morrow’s medication use during pregnancy left Regina deaf from birth.] Now I was in Switzerland recently, and saw none of the landmark treatment facilities that cured the likes of Isabella Ricci [from paraplegia] and Regina.

‘Twas rather pretty, though. Here’s a snap of Ticino in the south.

The story goes that Regina’s father, computer magnate Kurt Morrow, has invented a new microchip. The patent is held at his plant in Sweet Valley. He also made the mistake many years ago of pissing off a disgruntled employee, Phillip Denson, and putting him in jail for corruption. So the newly-released Denson and his girlfriend Claire hightail it to Switzerland, where they kidnap Regina at gunpoint and return her to Sweet Valley to hold her hostage at the Morrow’s estate. Mr and Mrs M are also kidnapped while holidaying in Europe, and are taken to Denson’s shack in Sweet Valley, where he lives with his attractive teenage son, Mitch. The plan is to force Regina to enter her father’s plant on Monday at seven, where she will ask for the patent to be handed over. Kurt will be forced at gunpoint to phone the security staff and ask them to release the patent to Regina, telling them he needs it Europe. [For what!?]

Let’s not get bogged down in the stupidity of Denson’s plot.

Because Regina is now being held captive in her own home [not the worst place in the world, I might add], by the woman who calls herself “Aunt Claire”.

Of course, the nosy Wakefields are on the job, wagging school with Regina’s bf Bruce to solve the mystery. They write a letter to Regina, and hide it in a magazine. Then they get Bruce to pose as the fucking grocery delivery boy and drop the package in to the Morrows. Conveniently, they have a standing grocery order.

Bruce, looking cute in his delivery boy get-up, comes tearing back down the drive, as terrified as if he’s just seen a flock of birds. He wipes his forehead, pants, and shudders:

“A woman opened the door. She must be the same one you saw, Liz. About thirty-five, with graying hair. She looks really mean.”

Oh noes! A mean woman! Ooh!

He also complains about the woman being a lousy tipper. Turns out he only made fifty cents out of her! Only you,Bruce.

Would you like some warm wine with that order?

Regina conveniently drops a reply out her window explaining the situation.

Elizabeth sensibly calls the SVPD, who continue to live up to their reputation as the most useless beings on the planet, by deciding after a five minute visit to the Morrow mansion that the Wakefields must be pranking them. So I guess Liz and Jess have no choice but crack the case on their own! They decide not to tell their parents, because as Liz puts it:

“I don’t want Mom and Dad finding out about it, Jess. They’d never let either of us go over there again if they thought something dangerous was going on.”

Riight. Ned and Alice would never let their kids get into any danger – like when they abandon them on New Year’s Eve to let Margo move in, or let Jessica get engaged to a con-man posing as a green thumb, or take the family out on a boat in the middle of nowhere knowing John Marin is on the loose, or turning their backs long enough to let both twins be kidnapped, molested, held at gunpoint and attacked by humans, werewolves and vampires alike.

Well, Nalice are out of the picture, so the twins and Bruce pay a visit to the Denson’s place to find out what’s going on. They overhear a secret code “Money is Heaven”, which totally means “Monday at Seven!” D’oh! Our crooks are looking more and more like bumbling fools at this point. Jessica plays the vixen and seduces the kid Mitch, who is like all male species completely under the Wakefield spell. She coerces him into a date on – you guessed it, Monday at seven – and he is too starry eyed to turn her down.

This is playing far too well into the Wakefield’s hands.

But where, oh where is mysterious 18-year old hunk Nicholas, the heir to the Morrow industries and my personal long-time Sweet Valley crush? He’s staying in San Francisco, with a friend, but returns home to help balance out the awesome threesome [because we all know that Bruce cannot be trusted if left alone with the twins.] Despite being privy to the company secrets, he is really fucking useless as an investigator. I mean, what’s stopping him from going into the plant and telling the staff not to hand over the patent because his family has been, you know, kidnapped?

Nicholas is incompetent. [But he’s gorgeous, and I love him. Him and his slate-grey eyes...]

In fact, he seems more interested in hooking up with Liz than in freeing his family. While snooping around the Morrow Estate, he decides they look too suss, so his solution –

“I’m going to kiss you,” Nicolas said suddenly under his breath. “Try to act natural.” Elizabeth was too surprised to say a word. The next thing she knew, Nicholas had enfolded her in his arms, touching her lips gently with his own.

Whew! Crisis averted! Just two horny teens necking it in the woods!

Monday at seven rolls around. As planned, Kurt has been forced to phone his mate Walter to hand the chip to Regina, and she has gone in and picked it up.

Liz and Nicholas go to the plant to stall Aunty Claire and Regina, who is in possession of a BROWN PAPER BAG containing the patent. I guess that’s how Morrow Enterprises does business.

Jessica and Bruce head to Denson’s where she meets Mitch for her “date”.  Within about 20 seconds, she has a revolver pointed at her head, but somehow Bruce pulls off some superhuman moves and they get away with the Morrows in tow.

Everyone finally meets up at the company plant, where Nicholas has managed to phone the police, ‘cause they’ve been so helpful before.

Eventually, the cops polish off their meat pies and make it down to the plant, where Denson is about to shoot at Kurt’s head, cause “it wouldn’t be wise to leave town with so much unfinished business.” I guess selling the prototype for millions is not enough, huh.

But the police do their job, and lock our psychos up for good, and the prototype is returned to its rightful owner so now the Morrows can get even richer. But best of all -

Regina is safe! Huzzah! And it turns out her hearing treatment has been so successful that she’s allowed to return to Sweet Valley for good. [Maybe Elizabeth won’t talk to her now she meets the Sweet Valley definition of normal?]

Either way, Francine went to an awful lot of trouble for someone who left so early on in the piece.

And finally – Is there a reason Elizabeth and Nicholas Morrow didn’t hook up at the end of this? Todd, far away in Vermont, doesn’t even get a mention, and Jeffery French doesn’t appear for another five books. The chemistry between those two has been obvious before, when Nick falls in lurve with Lizzie at first sight in Kidnapped, not to mention something that borders on cheating in the aptly titled “Deceptions”.  Nicholas Morrow represents the most untapped, unfinished enigma in the whole of Sweet Valley.

E-book that, Francine?

In short:

The previous Christmas, Crazy Margo from Long Island came to Sweet Valley to find the Wakefield twins, who happened to look EXACTLY like her, only blonde. After failing to knock off Elizabeth, she fell to her death in the Fowler’s pool house… or so we thought

Turns out she hid in the Wakefield’s basement and the local graveyard hatching murderous plots and rasping lots. [I bet she got MEGA skinny down there. Maybe a 4? Suck on that, Wakefields.]

This Christmas, Margo’s long-lost equally psycho twin has arrived from the Deep South and together they set out to take their rightful place in the Wakefield family [but they come to blows over who bags Jessica’s identity this time. Ha.]

Meanwhile, the real twins are fighting again, after Jessica saves Todd from a burning car wreck and Liz gets the shits. Also, it’s NYE so they’re off to a big carnival with a house of mirrors for Margo to play hell with.

After loads of twin/evil twin switching, Jessica ends up bound and gagged at school [nice work, Margs], while Nora stabs Margo to death in Jessica’s bed. Only everyone thinks Jessica is dead so they hold a fucking state funeral at Sweet Valley High.

Still with me?

Elizabeth is once again faced with two copies of her mirror image in front of her, and the dilemma of which one to kill. Nora is whisked away by police [BORING!] and everyone has a huge party and Todd and Liz pash and everyone is sixteen again for the fifth successive Christmas.

So if that wasn’t awesome enough [don’t know about you but I’m still in stitches], I now invite you to partake in the second part of this recap: The Return of The Evil Twin Drinking Game

You will need:

3-9 players

Warm wine in paper cups/ Magic Grain Flask Alcohol / any other intoxicating liquor you can get your hands on [I hear Betsy Martin has a stash]

A printed copy of the following character cards, which you can glue to a piece of sturdy cardboard and cut into equal sized rectangles

A copy of ROTET in reasonable condition, available at any decent ebay store

A paper cup labelled “Jungle Prom Juice” to be placed in the centre of the table

 Instructions:

Place the character cards face down on your table

Each draw a card from the character pile. This is your character for the game.

Whoever drew Enid starts as the reader.

Read out the instructions from the list below and follow them when you get the appropriate cue from the book.

After each chapter [or earlier if you’re drunk enough], switch readers in a clockwise direction

Drinking Game Rules:

1. Every time the word rasping is mentioned, all take a shot
2. Every time Jessica and Todd have a “moment”: Elizabeth takes a shot
3. During Todd and Ken’s erotic hot dog scene [ref: page 178] Todd and Ken take a shot
4. Whenever Margo and Nora fight over Jessica, Jessica takes a shot
5. When the words “bloodcurdling” “glittering knife” or “tears streaming down her face” are mentioned, all take a shot
6. Every time Nora detects a scent, Nora takes a shot. If the scent is detected via telephone, Nora takes two shots.
7. Every time there is a twin or evil twin switch [e.g. Margo impersonating Jessica], all four twins take a shot each.
8. Every time Enid is being a deadpan kiss-ass drone [read: mentioned], each tip one shot into the “Jungle Juice” cup.
9. When Margo wolfs down three hot dogs in a row, all take a shot [It’s been a tough year, OK!]
10. Every time an outfit is described, Lila takes a shot
11. Every time someone leaves the house wearing half a santa costume, take a shot
12. Every time a dead boyfriend is mentioned, Jessica takes a shot
13. Every time Nalice make an insensitive comment about “clones”, Margo takes a shot
14. Every time a twin senses the other’s presence, tip a shot into the Jungle Juice Cup
15. Every time one of the Black/Chappelle twins says “Patience” take a shot
16. Whenever Margo and Nora come to blows, take two shots
17. Every time the whole gang’s hanging out, take two shots
18. Whenever Nora/Margo spy on the Wakefields, all the girls tip a shot in the bowl
19. Whenever Bruce is mentioned, all the boy characters take a shot
20. Whenever Margo and Nora have “Wakefield Trivia Time”, all take a shot
21. Whenever Ken says something corny, all the girls take a shot
22. Place all the character cards face down in the centre and re-draw. Whoever gets Margo finishes off the Jungle Juice.

 Character Card Sheet:

Click on the image to make the characters larger to print.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any Martin-like activity or any injuries incurred when you play this game. I also don’t encourage drunkenness so remember this is a guide only.

Think of it as my Christmas present to you. As I am off celebrating my graduation overseas I probably won’t have time to post till the New Year. But rest assured, a copy of “The Evil Twin” is waiting in my backpack for Christmas Eve.  Happy Horrordays – and wreck the halls with bloody bodies!

Winston

Finally! A Sweet Valley Super Edition that really delivers. I can’t believe it took me till now to find this gem.

Like all good Super Eds, it has all the essential ingredients – an unexpected vacation, a rock star, a gang of kidnappers and, of course, a doppelganger. Only this time, the plot centres on Lila. Can you tell already this book will be EPIC?

Our story begins at the twin’s house in the wake of an earthquake. Wait, what? Yes, you heard right, an earthquake. Apparently a small tremor the previous Thursday caused the roof of Sweet Valley High to collapse. Elizabeth embarks on an important piece of investigative journalism in which she uncovers “construction fraud” at the school. Apparently, faulty repairs the previous year left the roof susceptible to earthquake damage. Ironic, isn’t it? Maybe the same troops were responsible for the Wakefield architecture….
Well, I take it no-one got squished by a fridge because everyone at SVH is excited about the school closing for a week. And none more so than Jessica and Lila, who are off on an all-expenses paid trip to New York.

On the plane, Jessica turns up her discman [we’re on to Discmans? Must be 1995!] to a rock star we’ve never heard of before named Ryder Mitchell. [I guess Jamie Peters has been knocked off his token rock star perch.]

Coincidentally, the strange man in a moustache next to her looks oddly familiar. Hmmm. After some flight turbulence, they somehow wind up stranded in New Orleans in each other’s arms, and the mo falls off to reveal – I’ll give you three guesses -  Ryder Mitchell. No shit!!

Ryder kind of looks like Roger Federer.

He also seems like a major douche. Anyone who calls the flight attendant over and goes, “Black coffee. Lots of it!” doesn’t really do it for me. Since Ryder is about 18 and Federer’s twin on the cover looks 40, I’m going to imagine a more age-appropriate version.

Lila, meanwhile, is brooding over her boyfriend Beauregard Creighton the Third, who was rude enough to choose school over skipping town to come to NYC for a Lila-fest. Note to Bo: Don’t Mess With Lila Fowler. It’s the first rule. Anyway, when she arrives at the palatial Plaza hotel, everyone calls her “princess” and waits on her hand and foot. They send her up to the Penthouse Suite and offer to put everything on the tab. Oh, and the paparazzi are there. Other people might worry they’d been mistaken for, you know, royalty or something. But I guess Lila just thinks she deserves it.

Did someone say doppelganger?

Bo finally comes to his senses and arrives at the hotel to find a Lila look-a-like, who shuns him and gets security to remove him. In case you’re five and hadn’t worked it out, the clone is a Princess. Princess Charlotte from Laestra, for the record.

Bo and Lila run into each other at a fancy restaurant, and Lila spies the doppelganger, clearing up that random little misunderstanding. And now to milk this doppelganger thing for all its worth:

 Lila’s mind whirled with all the fabulous possibilities for taking advantage of her good luck. Now I have an identical twin of my own, she thought, thinking of Jessica and Elizabeth. Only mine is a bonafide princess.

Love your work, Lila. She’s got the sense of Margo Black combined with the financial backing of Bruce Patman.

Back in New Orleans, Jessica is whoring it up in record time with the rock star. He’s the one, apparently. At least, this week’s “The One.”

Ryder stopped Jessica under a streetlamp. Drops of rain glistened on her eyelashes as she looked up at him….In those few hours she’d lost her heart to Ryder Mitchell. The guy, not the rock star.

[I swear I just wrote those two sentences verbatim without even looking at the book.] But alas, alack, Ryder confesses that he’s betrothed to someone else – pop star Dierdra La Monde. Sucked in, Jessica. This is what, strike three for guys-who-try-to-screw-Jessica-Wakefield-but-are-already-engaged.

Of course, he reveals that the engagement is a publicity stunt of Kardashian proportions, which means a more patient person that Jessica Wakefield could probably wait it out for the 72 days.

I’m bored. Let’s go back to Lila.

Bo and “Princess” Lila go shopping on the Upper East Side, ride limos and spend a small fortune at Cartier and Tiffany’s, all while hamming it up for the cameras. I’m a little confused about how she’s getting away with credit card fraud, given that everyone would expect her to sign “Charlotte of Laestra.”  Meantime, Charlotte is psyched about this unexpected freedom from her usually oppressive existence [oh please] and she goes op-shopping in the East Village. Just to get into the groove of behaving like a regular person, she hooks up with a left wing NYU sophomore volunteering at a soup kitchen. Oh these poor deprived celebrities.

Jessica finally arrives and the girls do NYC  BSC-style – Broadway, Central Park, Bloomingdales and the odd fashion show. Actually Jessica third wheels a bit, and Bo’s constant snobby references to Paris, not to mention all the making out piss her off. Don’t worry kids, despite Lila having the entire Penthouse, he sleeps in his own room.

Meantime Ryder has broken off his “engagement” for Jessica. After one day.  Need I remind everyone that Jessica is a Wakefield?  They plan to meet in three day’s time atop the empire state building, after he’s sorted out his shit and ditched Deirdra La Monde.

After three days in the Big Apple, the big day rolls around. Jessica and Lila jump in a cab [Lila is off to the former WTC.]

Like all good horror movies, they spend around 20 minutes in the cab, realise they’re headed the wrong way and are met with an evil chuckle from the cabbie.

They pull up at a loading dock and the cabbie – Mr G – introduces his redhead [read: evil] friend Vincent. The girls are bound and gagged at gunpoint [and called “gorgeous”.] Although I like that it’s really Lila they’re after this time [and not a fricken Wakefield], she kinda brought it on herself.

Of course, this is what goes down in Sweet Valley as a direct result of shit parenting. Do you think this ever happened to Stacey McGill of the “have fun and be careful” household? Nooooo. I know the McGill’s divorce would make them Social Pariahs in SV, but at least they didn’t let their only child rack up millions in credit card debt and sneak around NYC masquerading as royalty, while they wined and dined by themselves in Hong Kong [George has emailed Lila a dozen times, cancelling on her].

Back at the Empire State Building, Ryder is left alone with a bunch of flowers and a no-show from the love of his life. I’m not saying Gossip Girl plagiarized Sweet Valley but this is all too reminiscent of Chuck and Blair, aside from the maid going into labour.

Bo is likewise feeling very rejected and sorry for himself in Lila’s absence. He contacts the NYPD, who are apparently as useless as their SV counterparts, telling Bo he needs a dating service more than an investigation, and to get over it. Ouch.

The crooks are also very stupid. After discovering Lila’s mistaken identity and realising there will be no handsome ransom, they have a big fight about whether to kill the girls or let them go. They do have the sense to phone Bo and demand a million dollar ransom by midnight.

Bo and Ryder hightail it to the Yankee Stadium, where the kidnappers and kidnapees are holed up.

Meantime, the girls cut themselves free, set up a booby trap of bowling balls for the crooks to trip on, and there is a very comedic, slapstick scene in which Jessica cries “see ya, suckers!”

They make like Margo and hijack the taxi. But of course, now they have to go rescue their dumbass boyfriends. So I lied. This plot has spun into ridiculousness.

Lila’s doppelganger, Princess Charlotte returns to paradise after slumming it in the soup kitchen for an entire day. She gets her bodyguards on the job, but not until a very feminist ending in which Lila and Jessica rescue their fellas, who have by now been knocked unconscious by our baseball-bat-wielding kidnappers.

And so they hug and kiss and whisper sweet nothings and Ryder climbs to the top of the fucking Empire state building and serenades Jessica on live radio and the bumbling kidnappers go in the clink, hurling insults at each other.  Bo asks Lila about a hundred times if she was “hurt” at all. Don’t worry, Bo. Still a virgin.

In case you cared, Charlotte had a lovely three days of freedom, being Lila Fowler in New York. Kind of like Prince William’s 6 hour “homelessness” experiment in which he took a nice warm sleeping bag to the streets and surrounded himself with bodyguards.

But I admit, bad and all as the kidnapping scenes were, this book is some sort of guilty pleasure. Possibly the trashy Lila-Jessica camaraderie. Or the complete lack of Elizabeth. Or maybe a slither of my tween-age heart melted over Ryder Mitchell [the Feds version, not the Biebster].

Of course, being set in NYC means a glamorous new wardrobe for our trusty Sweet Valley pals. Stacey McGill, eat your heart out:

Jessica ran down a mental list of the outfits she’d already packed:

Chinese-print dress and blue tights, perfect for shopping and scoping out guys….

Black satin skirt and silver top, for dancing until dawn…

Lila was wearing a striking black and white linen suit, a Pierre Jove original that her parents had bought for her in Paris. But the only reason she’d selected it for the evening was the huge floppy hat that went with the outfit. Lila knew she looked great….[She] slipped on a pair of sunglasses from her purse and took a deep breath.

Bo sees it a little differently:

Most of her face was hidden by huge glasses and a huge floppy hat. She looked like a refugee from an old spy thriller. All that was missing was a jewelled cigarette holder between her teeth.

Lila had chosen an understated outfit – a grey linen skirt with a yellow silk blouse and a black silk sweater. [How on earth can a sweater be silk?]

Jessica had settled for a completely different look this time: a sporty black-and-red plaid skirt and a yellow turtleneck sweater. She’d had enough money left over to buy a pair of black leather boots, a silver bracelet, a black shearling jacket – and four NYC t-shirts to bring back to her family.

Jessica showered and dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans and a long-sleeved blue blouse with delicate rhinestone buttons, topped with a fuzzy blue sweater.

Twin Switch?!

She’d found the most incredible lavender beaded dress in Bloomingdales to wear on her date with Ryder the following day.

The increasing Lila-centricity was awesome in the later books. But what was with Lila and Todd? [I think she could do way better.]

Lila was my favorite character, so that’s why she’s becomes prominent in the books I edited and wrote.  I just think she’s hilarious and so much fun to write.

I believe Lila and Todd hooking up was Francine’s idea.  It was a non-starter, anyway, really — nothing really happened besides some basic kissing.  There was a lot more to the scenes in AFTERSHOCK when they’re dealing with the aftermath of being locked in the bathroom together, but much of it was cut by the editor.  I’m not sure why — it reads like the SV team decided Lila and Todd skeeved everyone out and so they dropped it.

Should Liz have ended up with Todd or Devon? Did her brooding piss you off?

I created Devon myself, but UGH, I hated him by the end.  I mean, really — he’s a douche.  Not that Todd is so great, really, either, but whatever . . . he’s Elizabeth’s hometown sweetheart and so we have to accept his prominent role.  Nah, Elizabeth’s brooding didn’t piss me off.  She always overthinks everything anyway.

First there was the failed prom-date catalogue, then there was the Alyssa incident and Ken Matthew’s rebuke. The earthquake seemed to be a defining moment in Jessica Wakefied’s maturity. How did you feel about changing 15+ years of Jessica’s carefree attitude and ability to get away with anything? Why did Sweet Valley High need to move on? How did you resolve the old series with the strikingly different and more realistic “Senior Year”? [which, by the by, was not nearly as awesome.]

Hmm.  Because I was no longer part of the internal SV team when writing AFTERSHOCK, I don’t know all the thought processes that went behind making SVH Senior Year more sober and serious.  Maybe there was a backlash against the “frivolity” of SVH, or what was perceived as its “empty” entertainment value.  I don’t really know.  I do know that SVH’s popularity was winding down at that point — its fans had grown up, and young adult book series were going into a big dip.  I mean, the series lasted 16, 17 years, which is a massive achievement, but every book series has a lifespan and it was reaching it.  Senior Year was an attempt to reposition and kick-start the series back into life again, but I’m not sure how successful it turned out to be.  I can’t really say — I had nothing to do with Senior Year, and I haven’t read any of those books.

Honestly, I was kind of psyched to have Jessica deal with the trail of destruction she’d left in her wake over the course of a 17-year Junior year.  All the dead boyfriends, broken hearts, and irresponsible behavior kind of caught up with her at once, which was really fun to write.  One of my favorite lines in AFTERSHOCK is from Jessica, all depressed, thinking about how she was the Queen of Death all along.

I mean, I love Jessica dearly, and she’s a blast to write, but she’s dangerous, you know?

Were there any characters you actively despised?

I never loved Enid, really, but she was very useful in the Liz scenes to get Liz talking out loud.  I did get sick of Devon.  Aaron Dallas seemed like kind of a dick to me, too, and sometimes just a little Bruce Patman goes a long way.  I didn’t love the Heather Mallone books, either, because something about her made Jessica too shrill.  Those are some nasty cheerleader books, and the Death Valley books are quite unpleasant because of Heather, I think.

Did the books you wrote draw from your own experience? Was your prom anything like that? [hopefully you weren’t also the victim of a “kisses like a live jellyfish” accusation]

Well, everything I write draws from my own experience, even if it’s just the emotions of the stories.  Like I said, I had to cry while writing to get the funerals to feel accurate.  There are always details you steal from your own life and superimpose them into the stories.  My prom wasn’t so dramatic.  I went with my best friend and we danced with friends and had fun.  No fights, or screaming breakups, or cars driven off cliffs, or anything like that.

I don’t think anyone’s complained about my kissing . . . that I’ve heard about, anyway!

“I love Jessica dearly, and she’s a blast to write, but she’s dangerous”

Since multiple psycho killers had tried and failed to off a Wakefield for two decades, a natural disaster seemed an excellent choice to end the original series. Was the earthquake your idea?

Nope.  I had left the office already, so I wasn’t part of the decision to end the original SVH series.  I don’t know who came up with the earthquake idea.  But we joked that we always knew I’d be the person to destroy Sweet Valley.  J

Whose idea was it to squish Olivia Davidson with a fridge? [For the record I cried more in her “funeral” than I did the first day I saw a patient die.]

I don’t even remember who wrote the outline for EARTHQUAKE or AFTERSHOCK.  It probably came out of a SV team brainstorming discussion.  I can imagine they sat around the conference table, saying “let’s have an earthquake” and “let’s make it be a huge deal” and “so . . . who’s going to die?”

Thanks.  Like I’ve said a couple of times now, I was sobbing while writing the memorial service, too, so I’m very glad the emotions got across to you.

“Aftershock” got all nostalgic about Jessica’s dead boyfriends, and Miller’s Point and cult kidnappings. How did you recap all these memories? [Apologise if this is re-hashing a previous answer]

I sat there flipping through the SVH Bible while writing the book, pulling out my favorite details and memories from the whole series.  I wanted AFTERSHOCK to be a fitting end to the series, and so I looked back as far into the past as I could and tried to mention all the things I loved.

How far is SVU from Sweet Valley proper [i.e. Calico Drive?]. The books say anything from a “five minute drive” [SVH #17] to a two hour drive [SVU].

Uh . . . I have no idea.  I think we always figured it was “a few hours away”.  Basically, you have to remember that SVH and SVU (and the other SV series) exist in separate timelines, like alternate realities.  We always explained to ourselves the same way Superboy and Superman exist at the same time.  There are discrepancies between all the series — they’re not really connected directly.

On Sweet Valley…….

Which SV character most resembles you?

Oh, probably Winston.  I was a sweet geek with dark hair and glasses.  Or . . . um, Tom McKay.  Without the tennis.

What has made the Sweet Valley series enduringly popular? [Or why are professional 20- and 30-something year olds like myself still coming back for more?]

We had lots of discussions about the core reasons for SVH’s popularity.  Part of it was the ideal good twin/bad twin thing: readers would relate to Elizabeth, recognize their humanity in her, but want to be Jessica, dream about Jessica’s wild freedom.  A BIG part of the appeal of the series was the setting.  The sun-kissed world of Sweet Valley is a huge point of interest, that whole California easy-living dream.  But mostly I think SV endured because it was fun and dramatic and soapy, with interesting characters and involving (if often goofy) plots.  A lot of the series is about romance, but most of it is about friendship, and young girls read it for ideas on how to grow up, socialize, and survive as a teenager in an ever-more-complicated world.  The twins are aspirational — they represent idealistic models, like Barbie, that a reader could either strive to become or reject or compare against, I suppose.

Why does everyone want to be a Wakefield?

DOES everyone?  I guess so.  I mean, they have ridiculously perfect lives, which we tried to make as difficult for them as possible.  If Elizabeth and Jessica, who are idealized teenagers, have problems and can handle them, then so could the readers deal with their own problems.  I suppose that’s the basis for wanting to be a Wakefield — they are archetypal ideals of what teenage girls could be.  That’s scary to say, because of the feminist repercussions of that ideal, but we tried to be as empowering as we could.  One of the ghostwriters was even a doctoral student studying Feminist Theory at an Ivy League school!

Did you read Sweet Valley Confidential [published March 2011]? Thoughts?

Nope, haven’t read it.  I may, at some point, but I’m feeling pretty far away from Sweet Valley these days.

Rumor has it that you appeared on the cover of SVU’s “Love Me Always”.  Any other modelling gigs? What were the Daniel twins like in real life?

Yes, I’m the SV police officer on SVU #44, LOVE ME ALWAYS.  Nobody else could fit into the too-small cop uniform at the photo shoot.

I appear on the far left in the painting on the cover of SVH #122, A KISS BEFORE DYING, too, with a few other SV teammates.  At the photo-reference shoot for the painting, the painter needed stand-ins for the crowd.  And that blue-and-white plaid hoodie that Ken is wearing I took home with me, and wore for YEARS.

The Daniel twins were nice and professional and hard-working and quite talented.  I met them out in LA when we flew out there for two separate photo shoots for covers, setting up like 15 covers at a time.  They’re nothing like Jessica and Elizabeth, though!

Can you tell us about your work since Sweet Valley?

I’ve remained a writer and editor since then, editing hundreds of children’s books, and writing more than 65.  You can see them all at www.jebright.com.  Mostly I’ve been writing movie novelizations and novels for DC Comics lately.  Most interesting to SV readers is probably my original select-your-own preteen romance series, FOLLOW YOUR HEART, in which the readers choose what happens next in the story.  I used a lot of what I learned in Sweet Valley to write those books.

” One of the ghostwriters was even a doctoral student studying Feminist Theory at an Ivy League school!”

Quick Q and A……

Jessica or Elizabeth?

Jessica.  (I surprised myself with this answer.)

Bruce or Winston?

Winston.

Todd or Devon?

Todd.

Favorite character?

Lila.

Favorite SVH book?

Um . . . besides A PICTURE PERFECT PROM? and AFTERSHOCK, you mean?  J  WHO’S WHO? still makes me laugh, and I have a fondness for AMY’S TRUE LOVE.  TALL, DARK, AND DEADLY is probably my favorite of the books I edited.

Shoot, shag or marry? 

Lila (marry)

Enid-the-Drip (shoot)

Margo (shag)

From William White to Ken’s plaid hoodie – so concludes our two part interview with one very awesome writer. If you would like to get hold of some “Choose Your Own Ending” books for your children [or future children, or self] head on over to his website. Peace out.

Photo courtesy of http://jebright.com

Had you read any of the Sweet Valley books prior to your job as ghostwriter?

Okay, to answer that I have to give the full history of my Sweet Valley experience, which may answer some questions below, too.  As a Freshman studying English/Creative Writing at New York University in 1988, I got an internship at a company called Daniel Weiss Associates, Inc., who were the packagers of Sweet Valley and other book series.  A “packager” is a company that creates a book, sometimes including the cover and illustrations and layout as well as the text, and then sells it to a book publisher, who then prints it and distributes it and does all the sales and marketing, etc.  So DWAI was a book packager, and what they focused on was teen and middle-grade book series, including the whole Sweet Valley world, as well as many other series, like The Vampire Diaries.  So I became an editorial intern two or three days a week, at 17 years old, reading submissions from people who wanted to write SV books, writing rejection letters, writing back cover copy, and doing little office jobs like filing and getting breakfast.  (The first back cover I wrote was #62, WHO’S WHO?)  I also read all the SVH books and maintained “The SVH Bible”, which was a giant binder with all the SVH plots, characters, places, relationships, etc., charted out.  I was an intern at DWAI for four years, and it was a really fun place to work.  The company was pretty small when I started (maybe 10 people), but it grew over the years and moved to bigger offices.  Then I went to graduate school, studying Creative Writing, and when I came back in 1994, DWAI offered me a full-time job as an Assistant Editor.  I stayed with them for another three years, getting promoted up to Editor.  In that time, I was the sole editor of Sweet Valley High for two years (along with a bunch of other book series), and read all the SVH books, including those that hadn’t been published yet.  I put together at least one SVH title every month.  By the end, I said that I’d read more SVH books than anyone else in the world, because I’d read the ones in manuscript form, too, waiting to get published.  My stint as editor covers the SVH books #115 to #137, approximately (there’s some overlap with other editors), including the Super and Magna editions that came out during that time, as well as some of the Diaries and Sagas. When I left DWAI (which had then changed its name to 17th Street Productions) to become a freelance writer, the editor who replaced me hired me to write two of the books, SVH #141, A PICTURE PERFECT PROM?, and later, the final SVH book, AFTERSHOCK.  So I kind of grew up as a writer in the Sweet Valley world.

BTW, 17th Street Productions eventually merged with Alloy.com and became Alloy Media, which made the Gossip Girl book series, and now produces the TV shows Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries, and The Secret Circle.  Elizabeth Craft, my co-editor of SVH when I started, is the executive producer of the TV show The Secret Circle, and was a consulting producer on Vampire Diaries. The editor who replaced me was Kieran Scott, who is also known as the popular writer Kate Brian, author of the Private series.  Our editor-in-chief was Ann Brashares, best known for the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants series.  Many other excellent writers have come out of the DWAI/17th St./Alloy family, too.  I’m probably the least-famous one.

“ I also read all the SVH books and maintained “The SVH Bible”, which was a giant binder with all the SVH plots, characters, places, relationships, etc., charted out.”

I was surprised to hear that you came up with several of the SVU plots, having always thought that was Francine Pascal’s job. How did you create those storylines?

Each Sweet Valley book series (SVH, SVU, Twins, Kids, Unicorn Club) had a separate editor, and we would meet with the Editor-in-Chief weekly as the Sweet Valley team to discuss upcoming plotlines and brainstorm where the series were going.  Then, every few months, we would meet with Francine Pascal at her amazing apartment over tea and donuts and croissants and discuss our ideas with her.  Francine was lovely and cool and very aware of everything happening in Sweet Valley, and she would either accept or reject our ideas — or make up her own.  She read every plot and outline, and they had to be approved by her.  But I don’t think she wrote any of the outlines herself (maybe some of the very early ones).  During almost the entire run of the Sweet Valley books, the plots were developed by the SV team and Francine, then written by an outliner, then given to the ghostwriter to flesh out into a book.  The editorial team at Bantam Books was very involved, too, approving all the stages as well.  So when I was a freelance writer, after my SVH editorial days, I wrote a bunch of the SVU outlines which were then turned into books by other ghostwriters.

Which SVU books did you outline? 

Um . . . it’s pretty far back now and hard to remember.  I have these SVU outlines in my files, which seems to indicate that I wrote them.

#25 Busted!
#26. The Trial of Jessica Wakefield
#27. Elizabeth and Todd Forever
#28. Elizabeth’s Heartbreak
#29. One Last Kiss

#31. The Truth about Ryan

#33. Out of the Picture

#42. Sneaking In
#43. The Price Of Love
#44. Love Me Always

Super Edition #12. Don’t Answer The Phone
Super Edition #13. Cyberstalker: The Return Of William White, Part 1
Super Edition #14. Cyberstalker: The Return Of William White, Part 2

I think that’s all of them.  There may have been more.  I’m not 100% sure of some of the above, too — it’s really kind of a blur now.

 ”Every few months, we would meet with Francine Pascal at her amazing apartment over tea and donuts and croissants and discuss our ideas with her”

What was involved in your role as SVH editor?

It was an unusual editorial role, in that the editors came up with the plots and heavily rewrote the books.  Because there were so many SVH books (at least one a month, sometimes more for Super, Magna, Thriller, etc. editions) and so many ghostwriters, it was our main job to make sure the writing style sounded similar for all the books.  Usually, I would develop the plot, get it approved by Francine and Bantam Books, write cover copy, hire someone to write the outline, get the outline approved, and hire a ghostwriter to write the manuscript.  When the manuscript came in, I’d go through it very carefully, marking it up with corrections and suggestions, and I’d write a letter to the ghostwriter and send the manuscript back to them to make revisions.  Then when the revised manuscript would come back, I’d go through it line by line and rewrite it to make it read smoothly and make sure it fit the SVH style and didn’t have any glaring content errors (that I noticed!).  The books were copyedited for grammar and spelling by an outside copyeditor. Usually I had three other books series to edit along with SVH.  I’d also write up descriptions of the covers, and “direct” the photo shoots, or choose images for the earlier paintings, and think up the titles.

Did you have much input into the storylines as ghostie or as editor?

Almost none as a ghostwriter.  As I explained above, as an editor I was basically coming up with the storylines.

Were you responsible for any of Sweet Valley’s infamous psycho killers? [If you say Margo Black or William White, hats off.]

Sadly, I missed the creation of Margo — it happened while I was in grad school.  Although I did take over the editorial for RETURN OF THE EVIL TWIN.  As you can see from my SVU outline list, I was also involved in William White’s RETURN (I wrote the outlines), but not his creation (which the SVU editor came up with, I think).  That psycho killer era came about in the early-’90s because we had done a focus group with a bunch of pre-teens, and they kept saying they wanted “more stalkers!”  So we gave ‘em more stalkers.

With a series that spanned over 600 books [including Sweet Valley Twins, Kids, University....] how did you maintain continuity? Was there some kind of Sweet Valley bible that everyone sat around the table and checked their facts from? Or did you just become a massive Sweet Valley trivia buff?

[There are references in your books to people like Jeffery French and Sam Woodruff who hadn’t been heard of for 100 odd books..]

I do remember book, movie, and TV trivia really well, for some reason, but as I mentioned above, there was a “Bible” for every series, a binder in which plot summaries, characters, places, shops, maps, and relationships were all detailed.  It was all on PAPER — you couldn’t really search a computer database or anything.  We sent a copy of the Bible to every ghostwriter and outliner, and I lived with mine on my desk for the whole time I was an SVH editor.  It would have been so very useful to have all these internet SV blogs in existence at the time, but our office AOL dial-up connection to the beginning of the Web wasn’t all that useful then.  J

Because I knew so much SVH trivia, I wanted to put a lot of the old characters and places in my books when I wrote them . . . like little “Easter Eggs” for the most faithful readers.  Sweet Valley has one of the most comprehensively detailed fictional worlds in all of media.  Sometimes I think only Springfield in The Simpsons compares!

The various Sweet Valley series didn’t really overlap much — they were kept pretty separate, and had different continuities.

Did you come up with any of those awesome outfits? [Elizabeth’s backless lavender sparkly number comes to mind]

I came up with most of the outfits in books I edited (on the covers; the ghostwriters described the outfits inside) or wrote.  They were fun to invent.  For the photographic covers, we shot with the cast and staff of the TV show, so the official show costume designer helped pick those clothes.

Did you ever laugh mercilessly at the series or was your writing ever tongue-in-cheek? [I recall something about Lisette’s Boutique being described as “SO early-eighties”]

Oh, I was laughing the whole time.  But not in a mocking way, really.  Just because it was fun and joyful to write those books.  Well, AFTERSHOCK wasn’t as much fun.  It was incredibly sad, and I had to sit there and weep and type to get the emotions of all those funerals to come across.  But I enjoy writing humor, and I hope that comes across.  Especially in A PICTURE PERFECT PROM?  That book cracks me up.

Did you have anything to do with the angsty “Senior Year” spin-off?

Not a thing.  It was developed after I had left the company.

Was there an official PG13 rule? I remember a scene where Todd perves on Elizabeth’s white sneakers, but that’s probably as scandalous as it got.

We self-censored a lot — our target audience was about 12 years old — so, yes, PG-13 is accurate.  There were a lot of discussions around the audience about how far we could go and what was appropriate.  I had a screaming fight with another editor once about whether Jessica was really a slut or not!  The funny thing now is that I don’t even remember what side I took in that argument.  The SVH books really reflect their eras:  the early-’80s ones are a little sexier, before AIDS caused the sexual backlash.  The late-’80s get really message-heavy.  The early ’90s are all stalkers and sexual terror as the world got scarier.  I tried to bring more fun back in with my mid-’90s era, and add some glamour.

I love that scene when Todd obsesses over Elizabeth’s sneakers and is lusting after her ankle.  Poor Todd — he was SO hard up.

My favorite SVH-sex-story is about one of the Vampire books, maybe TALL, DARK, AND DEADLY, when Enid gets her blood sucked by the maybe-vampire Jonathan Cain.  The ghostwriter originally made that scene just about downright pornographic.  Basically, Enid has a massive orgasm in it.  But we had to tone it down significantly.  It’s still pretty sexy and funny, though.

What was Francine really like?

She’s lovely.  Very cool, smart, and nice.  I have to give big props to her for creating the series and maintaining its integrity and popularity for so long.  She also gave each of us on the SV team a nice gift every holiday season.  One of them, which I still have, was a silver star-shaped bookmark from Tiffany’s engraved with the letters SVH.

Tune in next week as J.E. dishes the dirt on the Sweet Valley characters everyone loves and loves to hate…

Circle the answer which suits you best to find out which baddie you are.

What is your weapon of choice?

A] My bare hands, or at the right time of month, claws.

B] Anaesthetic gases

C] A glittering butcher’s knife

D] A sleek dagger

E] My charm

F] An axe

Which Wakefield twin would you rather kill?

A] Jessica

B] Neither, I would rather undo Elizabeth’s braid and molest her hair

C] Elizabeth [in a rasping voice]

D] Jessica [in a Southern drawl]

E] After I’ve had my way with both of them, I’ll drown them together.

F] Jessica “Blondie” Wakefield

Who is your dream Sweet Valley lover?

A] Elizabeth

B] Elizabeth [in between heavy breathing]

C] Bruce Patman

D] Whatever Margo said

E] Both Wakefields, simultaneously

F] Lover? What’s wrong with being a misunderstood hermit?

Where would we find you at midnight on a Friday?

A] The Slaughtered Lamb, if the moon is full

B] Lurking around the gynaecology ward at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital

C] Kelly’s Roadhouse Bar, or the Shady Lady if that’s where the night takes me

D] The graveyard

E] Aboard my 16ft yacht, The Emily Dickenson

F] The woods

What is your lasting memory of Sweet Valley?

A] I’ve never been, but I hung out one Summer with a pair of very fetching but very annoying intern journalists.

B] Lurking around the hospital car park at night.

C] Fooling an entire town into believing I was Liz Wakefield. Including Lila Fowler.

D] Murdering my twin at the Wakefield’s house.

E] Spending 10 years in prison only to wreak havoc on that bastard, Ned Wakefield

F] I haven’t left Camp Echo Mountain for thirty five years! Mwah ha ha ha

If you answered mostly:

A] Luke Shepherd

Befriended by Elizabeth Wakefield during her summer internship at the London Journal, you are a sensitive poetic type with a hard edge – and a set of hairy claws to match. You are a particularly stupid villain, as you put the idea into her head that a werewolf might be responsible for the London murders. That werewolf turned out to be you. Dumbass.

Villain rating: 2 knives.

B] Carl-the-Orderly.

Renowned as Sweet Valley’s biggest creep, you managed to anaesthetise and kidnap Elizabeth while she was volunteering as a candy striper at Joshua Fowler memorial hospital. She was so pure, and so sensitive, and so kind, and yet when you had her tied to your couch, all you managed to do was untie her braid and feed her blueberry pancakes.

Villain rating: 3 knives

  C] Margo Black.

The greatest psycho killer Sweet Valley, nay, the world has ever seen, you almost managed to off Elizabeth, and then Jessica, on successive New Years Eves. Your rasping was unrivalled, your collection of glittering knives incredible and your ability to impersonate both twins was admirable. Sweet Valley hungrily awaits your second return from the dead.

Villain rating: 5 knives.

D] Nora Chappelle [Black]

Best known as Margo’s identical twin, you surfaced from the deep south in Return of the Evil Twin to pick up where your wicked sister left off. Although slightly tamer than knife-wielding Margo, your bizarrely acute sense of smell worked to your advantage. It was you who managed to murder Margo in the end….Or did you?

Villain rating: 4 knives

E] John Marin

Perhaps Sweet Valley’s most eloquent baddie, you manipulated both twins into thinking you were The One. Disguised as a sensitive writer for Elizabeth, and a hot TV producer for Jessica, you lured both twins onto your boat where you almost delivered the fatal blow. Your motive? Revenge on Ned Wakefield, the multi-skilled lawyer who put you behind bars a decade ago. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and you served it on a silver platter, my man. Kudos.

Villain rating: 4.5 knives

F] Crazy Freddy

The laughingstock of villains in this series, you were clearly created at a time when Fran-Pasc was out of ideas for ways to kill the Wakefields. Campfire legends at Echo Mountain exaggerated stories of your wicked deeds, and you never quite lived up to the hype. Although you briefly managed to wave an axe over Jessica’s head, you never quite had us fooled. Crazy Freddy turned out to be nothing more than a misunderstood hermit.

Villain rating: 1 knives

So because I am the vengeful type, I am going to go to town on one of the most redonkulous books in Sweet Valley history:

“Love and Death in London”

Shame on you, Francine. I’m going to snark this like a polaroid picture.

Let’s begin with the cover, which is probably the high point of the book.

I’m going to take a stab and suggest that the 35-year-old high class call girls in trench coats outside the Big Ben are Wakefield twins [no doubt on some top-secret assignment entrusted only to them by the Scotland Yard].

And judging by the god-awful bangs and over-zealous rouge on the twin motif, I’d reckon this book was printed circa-1993. Please note that Elizabeth looks one inch taller and one pound skinnier than Jessica. Bitch.

And as for the half naked werewolf scaring off the random brunette and her gay bestie….lets just leave that one, for now.

Elizabeth and Jessica have ditched their regular summer jobs at the Sweet Valley News for the greener pastures of London.

Elizabeth is her usual annoying self and waxes poetic about famous architects and the Great Fire of 1666 and St Paul’s Cathedral.

They move into a student boarding house where there are like, kids from all over the world! Wow! Conveniently, Elizabeth’s old French toyboy, Rene Glize is ALSO at the exact same boarding house at the EXACT same time! Maybe they will sneak out and drink tequila and have sex in the common room? But no, we have to wait another five years before she returns to London and jumps in bed with a duke.

The twins begin their illustrious jobs at the esteemed London Journal. Because a Wakefield wouldn’t get out of bed for a tabloid paper. Jessica is pissed about being assigned as a social columnist. Uh, no offence Jess but you’re INTERNS. 16-year-old undergraduate interns at that. Fuck her self-entitlement complex gets to me. Also, isn’t social commentary pretty much Jessica’s dream job? Swanning around London snapping Pippa Middleton or Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Or in those days, the likes of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley??

But worry not – within their first week our twins are promoted to senior fucking crime reporters, which not only involves chasing leads on the nation’s biggest murders but also taking on the job of the entire Scotland Yard. I guess some inferior, non-Wakefield plebs can take on those pesky tasks of reporting on petty theft at the Oxford Street 7-11 or a pommy breaching an AVO.

Gold star, you two.

But we couldn’t have such wonderful criminologists in town without an epic crime. And so, in London that week there is a spate of brutal attacks on humans and dogs which are suspiciously like the work of a werewolf. Beware the full moon, bitches.

There is more to this wonderfully transparent mystery:

Elizabeth befriends/cheats on Todd with a sensitive beatnik type called Luke Shepherd. Luke is strong and kind and poetic and they make electric shocks together and all that shit, but the real appeal lies in his dark obsession with werewolves.  Hmm…something tells me there’s a link here. Given that Elizabeth is an amazingly perceptive journalist, you would think she might come to the same conclusion when he takes her out to a restaurant known as “The Slaughtered Lamb.”

Also, Luke is a fucking tool, because he leads Elizabeth to the conclusion that a werewolf is behind all the killings. Luke is an idiot. And surely Liz is too much of a skeptic to believe him? No! It’s all very logical, you see. What creature other than a werewolf would be capable of tearing the throats out of innocent Londoners?

[Man, if only they’d written this a couple of years later. I can just imagine Jessica’s headlines:

“Did a Werewolf Kill Diana?” or, “What Camilla REALLY Gets Up to When the Moon is Full”].

But I digress. Back to this riveting mystery.

The killings go on and on, with no end in sight. Mainly because they have two sixteen year olds on the job, and the policeman in charge of the investigation is a bumbling fool called Seargent Bumpo. [This is making Twilight look like the work of Bram Stoker.]

But back at the hostel, some of the twin’s housemates have mysteries of their own.

Elizabeth is intrigued by social justice advocate Lina, who has headed to London all summer to work at a soup kitchen. She wears rags and looks somewhat familiar. Coincidentally, the young British Princess Eleina [who I’m guessing is Will and Harry’s cousin] has gone missing, and her face is all over the papers. Do you need a hint? Oh wait, you’re more than five.

There is also a snobby bitch called Portia who appears nightly at the Globe theatre. Only she’s not really a snob at all – she was just acting the whole time. All the time. Taking the Stanislavski method WAAAAY too far, methinks.

Jessica, meanwhile, is getting around with Lord Robert Pembroke, who is pretty much the English aristocracy’s version of Bruce Patman. She also gets VERY disappointed that Picadilly Circus doesn’t have any clowns. Dumbass.

Our story ends with Lord Robert inviting the twins over to stay at his manor. I’m sure he was doing a Prince Harry and thinking BINGO, but Liz goes and brings Luke the Werewolf along. That night, Jessica is the victim of a brutal attack when someone attempts to cut her throat. The book actually leaves on a high note, detailing how her limbs are all tangled, and she’s pulseless and soaked in blood.

“Elizabeth knew her tears would never end; her pain and sorrow could never be soothed. Her beloved sister was dead- murdered!”

Will Jessica die or is it just a hickey???? Only the second book of the story arc will tell…

Stay tuned for our super Halloween edition in the coming week!

Winston

[and a call for guest bloggers!]

“Margo Black was the best thing that ever happened to Sweet Valley. Once we’d gotten past the fact that there was someone out there IDENTICAL to Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, The Evil Twin rasped her way into a special spot in our hearts.
From murdering small children, to hiding out in the Wakefield’s basement, to pushing Jessica’s boyfriend off a cliff, Margo was one crazy chick. She drank, she hung out at Kelly’s, and with her array of glittering knives, she got some serious shit done. She was smart, and calculating, managing to convince all the Wakefield’s friends, [including LILA] that she was born to be a Wakefield.
I for one refuse to believe we’ve heard the last of Margo Black. Given that the first time she supposedly died, she managed to survive a carotid artery laceration and hijack the ambulance, only to hide out in Sweet Valley graveyard until her twin, Nora, showed up. So yeah, as far as I’m concerned, Margo lives.
If this group gets enough members, we will use it to petition Francine Pascal and St Martin’s Press so that in the sequel to Sweet Valley Confidential, Margo will FINALLY get the life that is rightfully hers. 
Here’s to all the Team Margo’s out there, and to ending fifteen years of unfinished business.
Margo Forever!”

Margo Lives. That is the mission statement from our growing campaign “Bring Margo Back From The Dead.”

No shit. In all seriousness, if Francine Pascal is going to all the trouble of bringing out the SVConfidential sequels in online instalments, [yes, you heard right] she deserves to know what the fans want. And what do we want? Margo Lives! Margo Lives! Margo Lives!

A very keen blogger, Samantha , mailed this brilliant letter to Francine’s office in New York, detailing her ideas for a Margo resurgence in the upcoming instalments of SVC. [Warning: Confidential Spoilers in the letter]

Margo Lives!

We are yet to hear back from Ms Pascal, but she’s been added to the group, so fingers crossed she will respond to this epic idea.

Now I’m all for a bit of guest posting, and I’ve laughed myself silly over Samantha’s letter. So now I invite you to send in your ideas about how Margo can be resurrected and what she would be getting up to, so many years later. You can construct a piece of fiction as above, or if writing isn’t your thing you might want to leave a couple of comments about it. And remember – the more far-fetched the better. [After all, Margo has escaped a carotid artery laceration and survived in a graveyard for a year.]

Segue:

On a side note, has anyone seen Eddie and The Cruisers? It’s an 80’s classic cult film about a rock star who fakes his own death and turns up 18 years later. The movie has a sad, nostalgic quality as 20 years on, people revisit Eddie’s music. The dialogue is dodgy at best but the film is held together by an amazing soundtrack featuring the Beaver Brown Band.

And the catch cry of the audience? Eddie Lives! Eddie Lives! Eddie! Eddie!

Segue back:

Margo Lives! Margo Lives! Margo! Margo! Margo! [and Nora!] All together now – Margo! Margo!

John Pfeifer

Spotted: a certain sized-siz blonde Aphrodite taking surfing lessons from the enemy – Palisades hottie Christian Gorman. Something tells me her strapping hunk of man back at Sweet Valley High will be less than impressed….

Fashion Report

With Guest Fashion Editor Lila Fowler

In a throwback to the 1950s, the Sweet Valley gang members have been sporting leather-and-denim combinations during their late night raids on Palisades High. I will grudgingly admit that Bruce Patman looked very dapper on Saturday night, dressed in black Levis, a white FCUK tee and an Italian bomber-cut leather jacket, with black Ray Bans topping off the “West Side Story” theme.

Scott Trost was Danny Zuko-esque in his cheap, imitation version.

With the surfing season in full swing, a new range of designer wetsuits has hit the shelves at Sam’s Sporting Goods. My pick? The hip metallic bathing suits are hard to pass up, in gold, green, blue and floral pink.

This full length fluorescent lime green wet-suit was a bit hit and miss.

Meanwhile Jessica Wakefield’s outfit choice left a bit to be desired:

“A classic full length black suit with yellow sleeves”

Still on Jessica, her recent appearance in a crushed purple t-shirt dress had many of the fashion elite raising their eyebrows. The piece was more of a throwback to the Unicorn Club than the kind of knockout get-up we have come to expect from Jessica at the Beach Disco. Lets see Jessica’s purple t-shirt dress hall of shame:

Rivals or not, those Palisades ladies know how to dress. At least, as well as they can do on a shoestring budget!

Making mall fashion almost hip, Caitlin Alexander recently turned heads in this ensemble:

A black cotton jumpsuit with a scooped-neck white T-shirt underneath and chunky silver jewellery.

Her partner in crime Marla Daniels rocked a pair of soft, faded jeans and a burnt orange T-shirt.

Enid Rollins, meanwhile, looked her usual déclassé self recently in a midnight-blue velvet dress.

And in news just in, Amy Sutton and I will be waltzing into Friday night’s dance dressed as geisha girls, wearing elegant pale blue silk dresses and satin slippers. To complement our outfits, we are both holding beautiful, elaborately decorated Japanese masks on sticks.

Who will live, and who will die as the violence is turned up a notch over the coming days? Tune in for next week’s edition of the Oracle. It’s a scoop.

Penny Ayala and staff of The Oracle