Suzanne, The Plans They Made Put An End To You or SVH # 10 Too Good to Be True

4 Oct

Some linguistics to begin:

1] Suzanne, proper noun, name given to everyone in Sweet Valley who is an evil snob.

Examples include:

Suzanne Hanlon – snoot who tries to change Ken [yes folks, he apparently had a personality in the first place]

Susan Rainer – biatch who is Jessica’s roomie in SVT Super Edition number 9, “The Twins Go To College”

Susan Gibbons – fakes a rare blood disorder to get money out of Nalice

[I have long suspected that Fran-Pasc’s mother-in-law/ high school enemy/ husband’s concubine is called Suzanne/Susan]

2] Devlin, derivative of devil

So basically, if you’ve read the blurb, you will understand that the central character comprises Susan + Devlin; i.e. An Evil Snob Derived from the Devil, which probably means that Elizabeth will take pity on her lost soul and Jessica will try to take her down. Whew!

We begin with a Wakefield dinner, which as usual involves “a forkful of mashed potatoes” and Steven coming home from college. Again.

Ned has been on the phone with an old buddy from college who lives in NYC [I wonder if he knows Stacey?], who happens to have a sixteen year old daughter, Suzanne Devlin. Mr Devlin decides it would be a good idea for the 5th spring break this year, if his daughter does an exchange to Sweet Valley with one of the Wakefields [read: needs to offload uncontrollable Upper East-side wench to suburban California.]

Of course, Jessica is determined to go to the Big Apple, and has a little fantasy about becoming the next Cheryl Tiegs and hooking up with Mick Jagger.

“Pardon me,” he says, “I believe this next dance is mine.” HA!

I almost feel sorry for one twin having to miss out on all the fun…then I remember that on their other Spring breaks this year they go to France [twice], London and Kansas. Also, Sweet Valley IS the best place in the universe, so maybe I should take pity on whoever has to leave?

Anyway- they toss a coin, and Lizzie wins.

Ah – woe is Jessica! She cries and throws things, and begs, and finally convinces Elizabeth that unless she stays around, Todd will most likely hook up with Lila

I hate Jessica right now. She should be called Suzanne. And Liz – grow a freaking spine.

Anyhow, the Wakefields, including their truant college boy, await Suzanne at Sweet Valley airport. As soon as they see her, Liz gets a Girl Crush, and thinks Suzanne is the most beautiful, sophisticated person EVER- which is fairly remarkable for a non-blonde in Sweet Valley. Apparently Su-Dev is a pro tennis player, swimmer, water-skiier, horseback rider and model. She goes to boarding school in London AND she has violet-blue eyes, which I find kind of creepy. Maybe she is a Jedi like Todd?

Back at Wakefield Palace, the girls decide to go for a swim. Get this:

Suzanne, despite her embarrassment over being so pale, looked absolutely stunning in her striped bikini. She was flawlessly proportioned, with legs that seemed to go on forever, and not an ounce of fat anywhere. Suddenly, Elizabeth felt self-conscious about her own lovely size-six figure.

Spare us!

At the class picnic the next day, Bruce and I and even Tom McKay [he’s gay, did you know?] vie for Su-Dev’s attention. But her eyes are elsewhere – on Creepy Collins, aka chaperone and “unofficial lifeguard” for the afternoon. I wonder if Mr Jaworski ever feels gypped that he misses out on these chaperone jobs all the time? Elizabeth is developing an unhealthy attachment to Suzie, so of course she notices that devil child hasn’t taken her eyes off Mr Collins.

And then, this gem:

Elizabeth noticed a tiny figure floundering in the middle of the lake.

“Mr Collins!” she yelled, “I think Suzanne’s in trouble!”

Mr Collins took one look, and instantly he was in the water [I’ll bet he was], thrashing his way toward her with powerful strokes. Elizabeth remembered him telling her once that he’d been a lifeguard in college. She watched with growing relief as he began maneuvering Suzanne toward shore, one arm looped around her chest. [He-llo?] The crowd broke into cheers when he had finally scooped her out of the water and carried her up on the beach. A very drenched-looking Suzanne clung to him, sobbing.

The A-team [Dallas, McKay, Egbert and Patman] come to her aid, because Mr Collins actually starts being appropriate for once and goes back to the BBQ.

But something isn’t right in the mind of super-sleuth Wakefield – Elizabeth knows Suzanne is a strong swimmer, because she saw her doing laps the other day! And why was Collins so quick to get away? He usually loves staying and chatting to all the girls! [Cue: Jaws music]

Back in New York, Jessica has lunch at the Russian Tea Room with the Devlins. [oh YAY! They do that in my book as well!] and Jessica comments that Mrs Devlin doesn’t eat anything and that its little wonder she is so slim. Another subliminal message to impressionable 8-year-olds from the Sweet Valley Fran-chise. Cheers for that.

Also, Jessica has the hots for Suzanne’s boyfriend, who has green eyes, sun-streaked chestnut hair, white slacks and a blue Lacoste shirt that hugs his muscular chest.

Tom McKay? Is that you?

Mick Jagger who?

We know its serious because Jessica feels like she’s been “hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.” Love hurts, Jessie, but you’ll find out about that when seven of your boyfriends die over the next year.

Anyway, boyfriend Pete is dropping off tickets to a piano concert for the Devlins [and he calls them by their first names, which Jessica thinks is unbelievably sophisticated]. Although he is a wanker and Jessica has no idea who Chopin is, she asks him to take her instead. Which he does. Because apparently when you go on exchange, you exchange boyfriends too. Handy.

The concert scene is rather funny, because the Wakefield charm has no effect on Pete. Even after she steals Suzanne’s clothes, flirts like crazy and invites him in to “uh, listen to the stereo or um…” he ditches her at the door. Ha! [Note to self: the word seductively was used at least 11 times this chapter. Must overuse it in WLMS]

Strange things are happening back in Sweet Valley – Elizabeth’s lavaliere is gone! How will the earth continue its orbit?

Suzanne is all fake-nice and pretend-helps Lizzie find the lost antique, but then we find out – she’s keeping it in her pocket! Does this mean Suzanne could be [GASP] Too Good To Be True? Next day, Todd and Liz and Suzanne are cruising around Sweet Valley, when Liz has to drop something off to Mr Collins “for the Oracle”. Suzanne asks lots of intrusive questions re the teacher’s marital status [he’s divorced], and insists on taking the envelope to Crinkly-eyed Collins herself.

How nice is Suzy? Thinks Liz to herself.

So Suzanne goes in to Casa de Collins and tries to seduce the teacher with her violet-blue eyes. [He’s wavering! I just know it! I wonder if he wishes it was Liz]

Suzanne has some awesome, evil thoughts about how she loves making men blush by doing the eye-sex thing, and how she loves having power over people.

Take that dopey Elizabeth, she thinks. How could anyone be that naïve? [Thank you, Suzanne. I was just about to write that exact thing.]

I think Suzanne should team up with Margo. Hmm…..

Anyway, while Liz and Todd wait in the car, Suzanne flirts with Creepy Collins, who is wearing nothing but white jogging shorts and a red bandana. She actually asks if she can drink from his hose [the garden hose], and instead of offering her a civilized glass from his tap, he lets her.

Silently he handed it to her. Suzanne laughed merrily as the cool water bubbled over her lips and nose. She let it dribble down her chin until the front of her t-shirt was soaked, making it cling to her very brief bikini top. Mr Collins couldn’t help but look. [I’ll bet]. Suzanne smiled to herself in triumph as she noticed the colour mounting in his cheeks.

Then, Collins pins her down on the deckchair and they go at it like Annie Whitman on a Saturday night…NOT!

Collins actually gets rid of her and tells her to stop being a 16-year-old hussy.

[After re-reading this, I realized that I have totally accepted the fact that Elizabeth knows where Mr Collins lives.]

Next we have a horrid beach scene where Aaron and Tom fight over who gets to put sunscreen on Suzanne’s fricken back, and I decide to write “I LOVE YOU SUZY” in TOILET PAPER along the lawn. Good God.  [Apparently Mandy Farmer has left town and I’ve been miserable ever since]

In the next scene, Jessica goes out with Suzanne’s friends and their inappropriately aged boyfriends and actually gets drunk and passes out. I repeat, Gets. Drunk. And. Passes. Out. What the? Maybe its because she’s not in Sweet Valley. Its quite funny how in these earlier books, the twinkies and their friends can put away a fair bit of champagne, then by about book 90 or so alcohol is the devil, and only consumed by wicked people like Margo who scull gin at Kelly’s. [Did I mention I love Margo?] After Jess wakes up, Pete attacks her and is all “haven’t your parents warned you about playing with fire, little girl?”.

He is the Manhattan equivalent of Bruce, I just know it!

Its amazing how quickly these twins bounce back from molestation. I think this is the third sexual assault involving Jessica already in the series, and we’ve only just hit double figures. But bounce back she does, and in a few day’s time, Jess is back on the plane thinking about how much hotter the guys are in CA.

The next night, Suzanne offers to babysit for Teddy Collins in place of Liz. She flirts, and purrs at Creepy, but as soon as he’s gone, she’s horrible to mini-me and spends the night raiding Collins’ bedroom in search of porn.

When he comes home, she has her blouse undone and attacks him on the couch, which he manages to resist. [Also – wasn’t he dating Nora Dalton? Where is she?]

Because this is the first time Su-Dev has ever been rejected, she decides to get back at Mr Collins. So before she gets back to the Wakefields, she rips her blouse and cries on cue, and actually accuses the teacher of assaulting her. I actually feel sorry for Collins for once. This girl is a psycho!

The rumour mill is going nuts the next day, and Cara Walker believes Su-Dev, saying “I’ve always thought he was the lecherous type. I’ve caught him looking at me more than once.” Hehe.

But just when you thought Collins was going to gaol…..

Elizabeth finds her lavaliere in Su-Dev’s suitcase!

She confronts her at Lila’s sixteenth birthday [which doesn’t make sense because Lila is already sixteen] and gets her to admit lying about the pseudo-rape.

Then, for good measure, I spill a [non-alcoholic] drink all over her and she screeches at me and calls me a dumb clod. I prefer “class clown”, but hey.

Of course, everyone, including Aaron Dallas, realizes Suzanne is evil wench and a liar, and Collins’ job is saved. I’m just disappointed that Lila’s sixteenth birthday got ruined by all this.

And that’s almost the last that’s heard of Suzanne Devlin…

Of course, by Christmas break she has developed pseudo-multiple-sclerosis and had a personality transplant and Todd falls in love with her. Haven’t had enough people [i.e. Jessica] cry rape on you yet Toddles? Only in Sweet Valley….

And another thing…

1] I realize now that I’ve used far too many parentheses and inappropriate capital letters in this post [been reading to much BSC again]

2] If you’re like me and wanted Creepy Collins to get old behind bars…..

Stay tuned for WLMS, Chapter 11

3] Poll time:

Till next time…

Winston

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Suzanne, The Plans They Made Put An End To You or SVH # 10 Too Good to Be True”

  1. Daniella October 4, 2010 at 11:27 pm #

    OMG I totally forgot about Creepy Collins’ outfit…white shorts and a red bandana? REALLY, Roger??

  2. Erin January 26, 2011 at 7:52 am #

    Just found your blog last night and I’m lovin’ it!! Truly funny and entertaining. 🙂

    Fun fact that I recalled when I was reading this post: One of Francine Pascal’s daughter’s names is Suzanne…go figure.

  3. Erin January 26, 2011 at 7:56 am #

    “Back in New York, Jessica has lunch at the Russian Tea Room with the Devlins.”
    Doesn’t Jessica make some kind of observation about Mrs. Devlin smoking little brown cigarettes? Much like Johnny Depp.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: