The one where Winston Egbert gets what he always wanted: Jessica’s Secret Diary Volume II

29 Mar

My original reaction to these “Secret Diary” editions was that Fran-Pasc was so stumped for new ideas that she had to rehash the events of sixty-odd Sweet Valley books. I probably wasn’t that far off the mark, because the next 77 titles just progress in their ridiculousness [Vampires! Werewolves! Crazy Freddy! French Royalty!]. However, this particular volume is a remarkably amusing read, not only because Jessica Wakefield KEEPS A FUCKING DIARY, but also because she snarks pretty much every Elizabeth-centric event that went down in books #40-#55.

Ten bucks says the ghost-writer in charge of this book secretly enjoyed mocking all the happy endings and Elizabeth heroism we were fed.

For instance, when Elizabeth’s new project Abbie is hanging non-stop around the Wakefield house, Jessica is all, “You’ve been hanging out with Abbie for a week. Do you even know her?” Oh snap!

And when Elizabeth’s face is plastered across the Sweet Valley News in the front-pager “Local Girl Saves Friend in Boating Accident”, Jessica gets her bitch on:

Elizabeth is the talk of the town. But she isn’t even enjoying the attention! Instead of having fun, my holier-than-thou sister feels guilty taking credit for something she didn’t do. Moments like this are completely wasted on her. I wish I’d been on the boat with Sandy and Manuel.”

[On a side note – how many times did the twins make it onto the fucking front page that year? It’s beyond ridiculous. Also, how did Elizabeth manage to go boating with cheergirl Sandra Bacon and Manny Lopez? Were they ever friends?]

The ghostwriter also had a field day with this little bit of self-referentiality, sending up one of the big-issues-solved-in-one-book plots:

“Everyone’s buddy buddy again – it’s just so sweet. The frosting on the cake for Abbie is that her cartoon won the Oracle humour contest and is going to be a regular feature. Nothing like a happy ending, I suppose. Gag me!”

But my personal favourite is that Jessica still refers to Tricia as “Steven’s dead girlfriend.” Ha!

The big “secret” revealed is that Jessica was having it off with Todd for a couple of weeks while Liz went behind his back with Jeffery – something that isn’t actually all that secret because we already know they hooked up after the Jungle Prom, and had a fling happening anytime Margo and Nora were in town. What I hadn’t realised was that Todd was in the picture while she dated A.J Morgan, which means that the two-timing he forgave her for in “Two Boy Weekend” was actually THREE-TIMING. Way to screw up, Francine. This is why secret diaries don’t work when you add stuff in after the fact.

Also, the “secrets” of the other diaries include:

1]Elizabeth hooking up with Ken Matthews

2] Jessica hooking up with Jeffery French

3] Elizabeth hooking up with Jeffery while she’s with Todd and,

4] Elizabeth hooking up with Sam Woodruff

Am I the only one who finds this rather disturbing and incestuous? Were there so few boys left in Sweet Valley that the only option for the twins was to go back and forth between each other’s boyfriends? I note that not one of these guys was smart enough to suggest a threesome.

However, we do eventually get an even juicier secret, right at the end, mind you. It’s a secret I had long dreamed about, and oft suspected….

True confessions time. I can’t tell this to anyone, even Elizabeth. But on Outermost island, while we were waiting to be rescued, I found myself seeing Winston in a whole new light. He’s really kind of attractive in a skinny, rumpled, goofy kind of way…”

HELLS YES!!!!

I leaned my shoulder against his. Winston slipped an arm around me. When he spoke, his voice was husky. [And we all know what that means!!!] “Jessica,” he began. “Umm?” I looked up at him, batting my eyelashes invitingly. My hair was snarled and my lips were a little on the dry side, but I was still the best-looking girl Winston was going to bump into on Outermost Island. He brought his face down to mine. He’s tall, so it took a few seconds. We were just about to kiss when a buzzing sound filled the air. Winston shoved me aside and leaped to his feet. I almost toppled from the log. “A helicopter!” Winston shouted, dashing out to the shore.

Men and women: History, from the perspective of Jessica Wakefield dictates that not only did I have a shot with her, but I’m the one who pulled out of it. Lanky old class clown Winston. You can hang your secret diary on that.

PS – Sweet Valley Confidential fever is rife this week, with the release of the book today in the US. Apologies once again that Borders did not come through for us and our day had to be postponed, but…[drumroll], watch this space because in the works is a Sydney Harbour “Beach Disco” themed SVH Convention! Invites will be out shortly, and I will get the word out on various social media sites!

Special thanks to Laura-Kate for all lending a hand with ‘Confidential preparations this week, even though she wouldn’t have been able to make it. Bless!

Hope you enjoy the new book, and keep visiting WWS ’cause Winston’s gonna be getting his recap hat on!

XOXO

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6 Responses to “The one where Winston Egbert gets what he always wanted: Jessica’s Secret Diary Volume II”

  1. sophie March 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

    Winston, you rock! I would so be up for a convention. I can’t believe Jess and Winnie almost pashed too!

  2. SarahLynn March 29, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    Sorry you have to wait SOOO long for SVC!!!! I only have to wait 6 1/2 more hours (wait, you live in Australia? Are they on metric time or something…do you have “hours”? LOL) and the wait seems unbearable, so I can only imagine how impatient you must be.

  3. Ashola March 29, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

    I just picked up my copy of SVC tonight!!! Dymocks came through for me. Excuse me while I go and read it 137 times.

  4. Jenna March 30, 2011 at 4:10 am #

    Metric time? HAHAHAHAHA

    Okay now that THAT is out of my system, I am so insanely jealous. A beach disco SVH themed convention? And in Sydney, where my boyfriend lives but which would take me 24 hours by plane to get too?

    Oh the unfairness of it all.

  5. Laura kate March 30, 2011 at 4:14 pm #

    Anytime Winston, always happy to help out my favourite geek :p xx

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Regression of Jessica Wakefield: SVU Secret Love Diaries: Jessica « WHAT WINSTON SAW - April 13, 2011

    […] is a boy-crazy fool who has regressed so much in maturity since her last diary , that she buys Devon’s sob story. One afternoon, however, she sleeps in, throws on a pair of […]

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