Run, don’t walk from the zombie…..Or SVH #83 “Steven’s Bride”

10 Aug

Steven Wakefield is officially a zombie. Seriously. The guy’s about to celebrate the biggest day of his life and he can’t even muster an expression. Not even a hint of joy, or fear, or god help us, a vague look of interest in the woman he’s asked to become his wife.

This is Steven’s wedding look:

You will notice, it is pretty much the same as his grieving look:

And his “fond memories” look:

 

This is his “oh-fuck-my-parents-are-splitting-and-I’d-better-come-home-from-college-again-to-look-after-my-sisters” look.

Notice a difference? Nope, me neither

Poor Steven. I always give him such a bad rap. But seriously – all he seems to do is come home from college, date a bunch of high school girls, and mope around after they’ve died/moved on/ failed to embody Tricia Martin’s personality despite being her doppelganger.

And this time, he goes one better. He takes the advice of stupid, stupid Jessica and agrees to marry sixteen year old Cara Walker so she doesn’t move to London with her mom.

The background is that Steve and Cara have been dating for about fifty books, which probably equates to a few months in Sweet Valley land. During this time he has dumped her – twice – for a Tricia Martin clone, treated her like shit when he’s actually trying hard at law school, and come home from college repeatedly to hang out with her and the other high schoolers at the Beach Disco.

[I will ignore the fact that ten years later he is dating Aaron Dallas, because that casts a whole new light on what he actually got up to away at SVU.]

Anyway, Cara is being her usual boring self and tells her much cooler friends – Jessica and Lila – that she is moving to London for good. Jessica feels bad for her brother, because she knows how hard he took Tricia’s death, and losing another gf would be disaster! So the logical solution, she decides, is to convince Steven to marry Cara! In the end it takes just one conversation.

Although Cara is still in high school, and he is still grieving Tricia [not to mention the fact that Billie Winkler, aka love of his life, is still twenty-five books away], Steven has this response to Jessica’s bright idea:

“Why didn’t I think of that?” he shouted. “Jess, you’re a genius!”

The next 100 pages are dedicated to keeping the secret from their parents, and convincing Liz not to blab. There are 137 scenes of Steven and Cara agonizing about the situation and planning a civil ceremony with just the two of them. I want to shake them and remind them that if there are this many misgivings, it’s probably not the right thing to do.

Then Jessica discovers that Steven has turned down a lucrative scholarship for an intensive law program at SVU. She now decides to plot against the marriage and convince Cara of all the downsides of married life. She says impressive things like, “women are still repressed by the institution of marriage” and, “you’ll probably take up cooking and knitting.” This is a little funny ‘cause when Steven and Cara are finally hitched in ‘Confidential, Cara spends about 90% of her time in the kitchen.

Jessica’s scheming rocks the very unsteady foundations of this relationship, because Cara finds her voice and jilts Steven at the altar on the day of their elopement. Oh and the Wakefields are there. Liz blabbed.

Steven, naturally, is pissed, and he waits till Cara has boarded her flight to speed to the airport and declare his undying love. He says his final goodbye, knowing they are just too young to enter in to anything like marriage.

My advice to Steven: Cut your hair. Stick around at college for one weekend. Go to a frat party. Pash and dash.

I really dislike this spineless Steven. He was sooo much better as a fourteen year old in Sweet Valley Twins. No really – that kid rocked, and generally got the better of his sisters. Of course, it takes his hook up with Billie Winkler [his housemate, during Margo’s reign] to bring out some ‘tude in Steven – and replace his Bieber locks with a style more befitting a law major. Steven and Billie forever. You can hang your hat on that.

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3 Responses to “Run, don’t walk from the zombie…..Or SVH #83 “Steven’s Bride””

  1. snarkvalley August 10, 2011 at 6:59 am #

    I definitely agree that Steven was SO much better and more entertaining in the Twins series!!!

  2. Olivia August 21, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

    Could uyou please warn about spoilers of SVC ?I love reading your blog buy I still havnt read the book but I want to and I don’t want to know what happens in the book now.

    • winstonegbert August 21, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

      Oops. Very sorry about that. I will remember to warn about spoilers in the future!

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