SVH #120 “In Love With The Enemy”

24 Aug

Sweet Valley High School’s #1 Paper

Maintaining Journalistic Integrity Since 1983

Editor-in-Chief Penny Ayala

Front Page News:

Wakefield Twins Return To SVH!

The school is a-buzz this week with the news that Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield will return to their usual classes at Sweet Valley High. After the talented twins scored amazing results on last month’s SATs, a taskforce at local community college Sweet Valley University offered them instant entrance into the courses of their choosing. Such an offer allowing 16-year-olds to abandon their mandatory senior year exams and enter college halfway through semester is unprecedented, and clearly reflects the brilliance of the Wakefield twins. After sticking out college life for over a week, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield decided to hand in their textbooks and humble themselves by returning to SVH to see out the school year.

Jessica Wakefield yesterday was more than happy to comment. “We decided that even though we are both incredibly smart, we couldn’t bear missing another prom.”

School social commentator Winston Egbert, who is still reportedly reeling after being shunned by the SVU selection panel made this statement: “We all know they just want to make amends for the Jungle Prom, where Elizabeth offed Jessica’s boyfriend.”

The four-minutes older Miss Wakefield yesterday declined to comment, but both twins will be available in Mr Collins homeroom class, no doubt with a myriad of tales to tell from their College experience.

Sports Report:

By John Pfeifer

Palisades Pumas Pummel Gladiators

The Sweet Valley High Gladiators suffered their first loss of the football season to the Palisades Pumas on Friday night, going down by six points in a fierce, take-no-prisoners clash at Sweet Valley Stadium. Sweet Valley dominated for two quarters of the heated match, only to be crippled by savage Palisades defence on the full time siren.

The tension built early on in the second quarter, with linebacker Bryce Fisherman injured in a dirty three man tackle. He suffered a concussion and was treated at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital. With a four-all scoreline at half-time, Ricky Ordway was the next victim, suffering a medial ligament tear after a brutal shoulder charge by Palisades front-rower Christian Gorman.

Palisades were next to score, after Scott Trost was blinded by Amy Sutton’s cleavage on the sideline and missed a crucial tackle. With just a minute to go, Ken Matthews made a line-break, but was punched in the stomach and fumbled the ball, leaving Palisades to celebrate a Ten-four victory.

Yet the gut-wrenching loss was overshadowed by cheerleading prowess of Sweet Valley’s squad, with Jessica Wakefield and Heather Mallone leading a valiant, “Be aggressive” cheer till the death. Jessica’s triple herky will no doubt be the talk of the school this morning.

In other news, Todd Wilkins has made an amazing recovery from the ankle injury that threatened to destroy his basketball career. He will lead Sweet Valley’s all-star team out next month, in what is shaping up to be the most cut-throat basketball season  of this year.

John Pfeifer

High School War Heats Up

Editorial: The Big Issue by Penny Ayala

With assistant to the editor, Liz Wakefield

What began as a friendly football-field rivalry has escalated into an all out war that has Sweet Valley citizens asking, “where will it end?”

Arch-enemies Sweet Valley and Palisades High last Friday battled it out in the fiercest football competition of the year, but this time the violence has well and truly spilled off the field.

A prank war reminiscent of Club X has erupted between the schools, with SVH captain Ken Matthews waking up to find his vehicle egged and toilet-papered on Saturday morning.

Palisades High has claimed responsibility for the attacks. A source within the school reports that football team captain Christian Gorman may have been the brains behind the incident.

Rumour has it that a band of SVH males has joined forces to form a rival gang, hosting “Guy’s Night Out” meetings [GNOs] to plan retaliation efforts against Palisades High.

True to form, Sweet Valley High struck back at Palisades overnight, hanging up a nasty sign that reads, “Palisades Pumas Purr Like Kittens”.

Says SVH Principal Cooper: “This mob mentality is a dangerous thing and the people responsible will be held accountable for their actions. Just because we can’t see your faces doesn’t mean we can’t identify you. If you turn yourselves in now, you may escape a federal charge.”

English teacher Roger Collins was also ingratiated: “Once again the jocks have proven they can’t string a sentence together. Kittens? At least “Pussies” would have kept up the alliteration. Maybe if they’d spent more time in my classes they’d know a bit more on that subject.”

School reporter Liz Wakefield believes a dance will resolve the problem, yesterday stating, “Grafitti, violence, hurtful words… who knows how this could end up? I think we need to get everyone in the same room, eating pretzels and dancing to Johnny Buck.”

Enid Rollins was quick to nod in agreement.

Amy Sutton, speaking on behalf of teen hotline Project Youth, had a different view:

“I think it’s good to see the guys acting more manly,” admits the willowy blonde.

Student Olivia Davidson believes sport is at the root of this evil, and should be banned. “Maybe if we all united against a common cause, like whaling, this could be avoided.”

Rival football captains Matthews and Gorman have declined to comment, and both are rumoured to be currently holed up in a shack at the beach with a mystery sized six blonde.

Local citizens are fearing the worst, with recent episodes of gang rivalry across America resulting in several fatalities.

But the most chilling warning yet arrived this morning, just as The Oracle was about to hit the press, with this ominous sign hanging in the halls of SVH:  “Get ready for your last dance.”  It is a harrowing reminder that we must act fast to stop this gang violence, before it is too late.

Look out for Elizabeth Wakefield’s report next week: “A Palisades Perspective”, as she goes deep into enemy territory to resolve this crisis.

Performing Arts

with Olivia Davidson

For those who follow the crowd, rap music is making a big impression on Sweet Valley, courtesy of local music video channel Rock TV. Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield have both been spotted trading in their Jamie Peters cassettes for “Snoop Dogg”.

That’s all for now! Next week, tune in as we learn how to make a tie-dyed t-shirt, and coming soon: Colleen Dunstan opens up about the rainforests!

Events

By Jennifer Mitchell

This Friday Night, don’t miss:

131 Phantom Lane, Sweet Valley

It promises to be the biggest bash of the month – an interschool dance with Sweet Valley and Palisades High. But this is more than a dance – it’s a genius move by Liz Wakefield to heal the growing rift between rival schools. Elizabeth has been running the show, with the help of PH social committee members Caitlin Alexander and Marla Daniels. Enid Rollins has agreed to do the gaffa work, and wipe Elizabeth’s ass should the need arise.

Eyes and Ears

By Caroline Pearce [Elizabeth Wakefield is too busy tackling Big Issues to contribute this week.]

Spotted: a certain sized-siz blonde Aphrodite taking surfing lessons from the enemy – Palisades hottie Christian Gorman. Something tells me her strapping hunk of man back at Sweet Valley High will be less than impressed….

You know you love me. XOXOX Eyes’N’Ears.

Fashion Report

With Guest Fashion Editor Lila Fowler

In a throwback to the 1950s, the Sweet Valley gang members have been sporting leather-and-denim combinations during their late night raids on Palisades High. I will grudgingly admit that Bruce Patman looked very dapper on Saturday night, dressed in black Levis, a white FCUK tee and an Italian bomber-cut leather jacket, with black Ray Bans topping off the “West Side Story” theme.

Scott Trost was Danny Zuko-esque in his cheap, imitation version.

With the surfing season in full swing, a new range of designer wetsuits has hit the shelves at Sam’s Sporting Goods. My pick? The hip metallic bathing suits are hard to pass up, in gold, green, blue and floral pink.

This full length fluorescent lime green wet-suit was a bit hit and miss.

Meanwhile Jessica Wakefield’s outfit choice left a bit to be desired:

“A classic full length black suit with yellow sleeves”

Still on Jessica, her recent appearance in a crushed purple t-shirt dress had many of the fashion elite raising their eyebrows. The piece was more of a throwback to the Unicorn Club than the kind of knockout get-up we have come to expect from Jessica at the Beach Disco. Lets see Jessica’s purple t-shirt dress hall of shame:

Rivals or not, those Palisades ladies know how to dress. At least, as well as they can do on a shoestring budget!

Making mall fashion almost hip, Caitlin Alexander recently turned heads in this ensemble:

A black cotton jumpsuit with a scooped-neck white T-shirt underneath and chunky silver jewellery.

Her partner in crime Marla Daniels rocked a pair of soft, faded jeans and a burnt orange T-shirt.

Enid Rollins, meanwhile, looked her usual déclassé self recently in a midnight-blue velvet dress.

And in news just in, Amy Sutton and I will be waltzing into Friday night’s dance dressed as geisha girls, wearing elegant pale blue silk dresses and satin slippers. To complement our outfits, we are both holding beautiful, elaborately decorated Japanese masks on sticks.

Who will live, and who will die as the violence is turned up a notch over the coming days? Tune in for next week’s edition of the Oracle. It’s a scoop.

Penny Ayala and staff of The Oracle

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3 Responses to “SVH #120 “In Love With The Enemy””

  1. josiejo August 24, 2011 at 8:57 am #

    ” Enid Rollins was quick to nod in agreement. ”

    And this:

    “Enid Rollins has agreed to do the gaffa work, and wipe Elizabeth’s ass should the need arise. ”

    Oh Lord. This is, quite possibly, the funniest thing I will ever read.

  2. Daniella August 25, 2011 at 1:27 am #

    Oh my, this made me laugh out loud! Absolutely brilliant. I always thought this particular miniseries was especially ridiculous, and considering there were also miniseries about werewolves and vampires, that’s saying something. It was like a rip-off of West Side Story, only much, much worse. You totally nailed this!

    Oh, and I had a midnight blue velvet dress at one point…sigh…

  3. Samantha August 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm #

    Those Sweet Valley guys sure know how to lay the smackdown. I hope I never piss them off so they don’t tell me I smell like burned cookies, or something equally as scathing.

    Excellent edition of The Oracle! Maybe Enid can do an in-depth personal profile of Elizabeth in another edition, though we might get overwhelmed by the amount of glowing adjectives used.

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