The one where Enid Rollins gets out-doormated : SVH #87 “My Best Friend’s Boyfriend”

28 Jan

Check out this entry from Wikipedia’s Sweet Valley High page:

                                                                                   

My Best Friend’s Boyfriend  Liz finds out that Her boyfriend, Todd, is also dating Jessica, who is also dating Bruce, who is also dating Cara, who is also dating John, who is also dating Lila, who is also dating Steven, who is also dating Betsy Martin, who is also dating Winston, who is also dating Liz

                                                                                                 

Clearly an ex-ghostie with a sense of humor.

Either way, it sounds better than the acual book. Especially the bit about Betsy Martin dating Winston.

Indeed, the real story is much suckier. It’s the story of two SVH juniors we’ve never heard of before or since – Denise Hadley and Ginny Belasca. Denise is a gorgeous redhead with a trusty boyfriend Jay, while Ginny is the plain looking, subordinate, doormat friend who idolises her.

[Liz/Enid haters: Sound familiar?]

Here’s how it plays out:

Scene 1

Sweet Valley Mall

Denise: My boyfriend Jay is so wonderful and awesome and he loves me. Does this hat make my head look big? Oh and did I mention my boyfriend Jay?

Ginny: You’re so wonderful Denise! I am so grateful to be fortunate enough to go to the mall and look for clothes for you. Did I mention I am ugly?

Denise: Don’t worry  – you have great inner beauty. [actual quote]

Scene 2

Project Youth Headquarters

Amy Sutton: Hello, this is project youth

Student: Hi there. Today my teacher cracked on to me.

Amy Sutton: Here, talk to someone else. [presses “Line 2”]

Amy Sutton: Oh, hey Jessica. Today a teacher cracked on to a student at our school!

Jess [shouting]: Hey Liz, I’ve got gossip.

Liz: This is so sad and horrible. I am enraged! [Balls fists].

Scene 3

Project Youth Headquarters

Ginny: Hmm, I think I will work at project youth. Maybe it will make popular people like Amy Sutton like me.

Ginny: Hello, this is Project Youth. [Never mind that I just walked in off the street and have no formal training.]

Mike: Oh, hey. I am so bummed. I have a stepdad. Which is pretty much the worst thing one can have in this town.

Ginny: OMG a child of divorce?

Stunned Silence.

 Ginny: Wanna talk?

Mike: blah de blah de blah….oh hey, wanna go out sometime?

Ginny: Well, I’m pretty sure that’s breaking rule number one…but when Amy Sutton sets the rules around here I don’t see why not!

Scene 4

Belasca Residence

Ginny: Denise, I am so ugly! I cannot go out with this Mike guy! He will hate me!

Denise: Oh okay. I will do you a massive favour and pretend to be you. That should work, I mean the Wakefields do it all the time.

Ginny: Oh Denise, you are the best friend ever!

Scene 5

Guidos Pizzeria

Denise-as-Ginny: You must be Mike! I think I am in love!

Mike, to himself: This is the most boring date of my life. Still, she’s a babe so I think I’ll ask her out again.

Scene 6

Project Youth Headquarters

Mike [on the phone]: Hey Ginny. You were acting weird last night, but I think we should go out again. Also, your voice keeps changing.

Ginny: OK. I had fun with you at Caseys yesterday.

Mike: But we went to Guidos.

Scene 7

Dairi Burger, the following day

Denise: Ginny, you have to come on our date. I am in love with Mike but we have nothing to talk about.

Mike: Hi Ginny. Hi Ginny’s friend.

Denise-as-Ginny: Oh Mike! I am in love with you. Jay who?

Ginny-as-Denise: Hi Mike, I am Denise.

Mike: Hi Denise. [they joke around for two minutes.]

Denise-as-Ginny: Wow, you two are hitting it off. Too bad I called dibs.

Mike: Can’t we just talk about all my problems Ginny? You are very selfish in real life.

Denise: Wanna hang out again tomorrow Mike?

Mike: Yeah but can you bring Denise?

Scene 8

Project Youth Headquarters

Mike [on the phone to the real Ginny]: I know what’s going on! Sorry it took me so long to work out – I am very slow because my parents are divorced. I completely understand why you sent your friend in your place as she is must better looking, however I think we should date because I like dumping all my divorce-child-angst on you.

Ginny: Oh Mike, how sweet! Wanna fall in love and travel into Sweet Valley Oblivion together!

Mike: Sure !

Meanwhile, back at school:

Liz: Mr Collins! I am going to write an independent review in the Oracle about this horrible teacher-student relationship situation! Do you know that a teacher in this town hit on a student?

Mr Collins: Oh, erm, uh, I dunno Liz. I don’t think you should write that article. Can’t you just stick to eyes and ears or the perils of divorce?

Penny Ayala: Don’t worry Liz, we are kick ass feminist writers. Let’s ignore our principals refusal to publish our story and run it anyway!

Mr Collins: Oops, sorry girls! Just walked into the wrong bathroom by mistake again! Principal Cooper wants to speak to you

Principal “Chrome Dome” Cooper: You girls have been very deceitful but because one of you is a Wakefield, I will overlook it.

But now let me leave you with a rather ominous quote from the book:

A quote from the Oracle meeting with Liz, Penny, Olivia Davidson and John Pfeifer [who in no less than three books turns into a rapist and a pyromaniac.]

‘It’s a subject that nobody talks about and I think that’s a dangerous thing. A lot of girls can get hurt by the silence,’ said Elizabeth.

John put down the photographs and nodded emphatically.

‘I totally agree, for another reason,’ he said. ‘There are lots of things that guys don’t realise are offensive to girls unless someone tells them. Men and women see things differently, and sometimes you might have to tell guys how a girl sees a situation that might be scary to her.’

It’s scary alright….

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11 Responses to “The one where Enid Rollins gets out-doormated : SVH #87 “My Best Friend’s Boyfriend””

  1. Daniella January 31, 2012 at 3:05 am #

    That line from Collins about walking into the wrong bathroom…omg, I actually laughed out loud!! Brilliant!

    There used to be a SVH site called The Closet that had these kinds of recaps, where they were written as dialogue…I think it closed down though…too bad, yours is brilliant!

  2. Olivia February 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    I think a book needs to be written that has the lot of that wikipedia entry. It sounds interesting. 😉

  3. Denise February 2, 2012 at 2:02 am #

    As usual, a canny and certainly more witty retelling. I think someone should act this out. It would be hilarious.

  4. Regina Tomorrow February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

    Yeah this book is pretty awful–which didn’t stop the writers from the SVH tv show from incorporating the storyline into one of the episodes from season one! I believe the episode was called “Love on the Line” and it had Enid (surprise, surprise) as the Ginny substitute who talks to a guy named Mike from neighboring Bridgewater H.S. when he calls the teen hotline asking for advice about dealing with his parents divorce. She agrees to meet him in person at the Moon Beach only to chicken out when she sees him and asks Jessica of all people to put in a good word for her. But of course Jessica takes the opportunity to pose as Enid to score a date with Mike. Which leads to Liz getting involved (shocker) masquerading as Jessica-as-Enid to get Mike to break up with her and give the real Enid a chance to straighten things out. Just as dumb as the the book it’s based on, but more entertaining at the same time!

    • Ali February 7, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

      And we never saw Mike again, just like Jinny and Denise in the books LOL

  5. Fran March 7, 2012 at 3:45 am #

    I miss your posts! I hope you’ll be back soon.

    • winstonegbert March 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

      Argh me too! Life had become rather hectic of late, but I promise there’s something in the works to be posted in a week or two

  6. Samantha March 11, 2012 at 8:36 am #

    Okay, really random question that I hope you can help me with. I was just on the SVH Wikipedia page doing some research and came across this description for Winston:

    -Winston Egbert, the class clown, had a major crush on Jessica, mainly during the first few books. He dates a girl named Mandy Farmer, who later moves away, and then begins dating Maria Santelli, a popular cheerleader. In college he experiences a striking shift in personality, sparked by the death of his girlfriend, Poppy. Winston begins dressing in all black, wearing lipstick, and insisting that his friends and professors refer to him as “Lord Vlad the Evil.”

    IS THIS TRUE?! Lord Vlad the Evil?! I never read SVU so I have no clue if Wikipedia is messing around. I don’t know if I want it to be true or not, but I figured you’d be the person to ask.

    • winstonegbert March 11, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

      Bahahahahaha! Wikipedia is certainly having the last laugh. That comment completely made my day, nay, my entire weekend.
      I wasn’t ever an SVU devotee, but I read enough to know that this is complete and utter bullshit which was probably contrived by a ghostwriter, or someone else in the know with a snarky sense of humor.
      Hilarious!
      Everyone in the on call room is now looking at me very strangely for laughing so loudly.

      • winstonegbert March 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

        Or, as I should sign off
        “Lord Vlad [The Evil]”

        • Samantha March 21, 2012 at 11:33 am #

          Oh man, you got me good, Wikipedia. Looking through, there are a few other gems that I enjoyed and you might, too:

          “The Dating Game– Jessica starts dropping guys like pieces of toilet paper, but she runs into a problem when she sends a break-up text to Todd by mistake.”

          “Meet Me at Midnight– The twins go to a weekend camp, and Elizabeth falls in love with a counselor, while Jessica has an internal conflict over which swimsuit to wear.”

          And perhaps the best one, under Characters:
          “Captain Ezekiel Crane, Caroline’s eccentric great-uncle who lives aboard a houseboat and spends his days imagining himself the captain of a grand ship. He befriends Jessica after she interviews him for a school project.”

          I seriously want to start contributing to the SVH page on Wikipedia. Or start writing a “Pierces of Sweet Valley” focusing on Cpt. Ezekiel Crane. Thanks for your helpful clarification, LVtE!

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