Medical Marvels

I envisage that in “Sweet Valley Confidential”, due for release in March 2011, Winston Egbert will be a junior doctor. So here is his view of some of the whacked-out practice of medicine that occurs in Sweet Valley.  [Allowing Jessica Wakefield to be a candy striper is just the start of it…]

1]Suzanne’s Mono-masquerading-as-multiple-sclerosis…. I’ve checked the textbooks, and yes, there is a very rare complication of infectious mononucleosis that has symptoms and signs suggestive of MS, just like Suzanne Devlin in SVH#11, “Too Good to be True.” To be fair, the book was written in1984 so MRI wouldn’t have been available to differentiate the two, but if Ms Devlin had gone to any sort of doctor, a simple CSF electrophoresis [from a spinal tap] would have provided enough information to rule out MS as a diagnosis. Fran-Pasc – epic fail.

2]Love cures blindness… In the not-so-aptly titled “That fatal night” [nobody dies], Ken Matthews loses his sight after a freak car accident. Then, about two months later, he falls in love with Terri Adams at the beach and miraculously, he can see the sunset and his sight fully returns. HA! I can’t quite believe that happened, but it was rather cute when she blindfolded herself and fell down the stairs so she could empathize with [i.e. patronize] him.

3]Margo cheats death… Everything about the Prom Thriller/ Terror/ Evil Twin Series is so screwed up that Margo escaping from a carotid artery laceration seems rather plausible. As “Return of the Evil Twin” reports, after the ultimate pool push at the Fowler’s in which a shard of glass pierces the major artery to Margo’s messed up brain, she holds her breath for three minutes, tricks the paramedics into thinking she’s dead and then hijacks the ambulance. [Because apparently ambulances take dead people to hospital in sweet valley.] In her own words, “Jess and Liz never came close enough to really know if I was breathing”. I can’t wait to recap this one!

4]Elizabeth’s total lack of ability to metabolize alcohol…Perhaps Jade Wu would manage to get drunk off two sips of magic Big Mesa grain alcohol, but it seems fairly unlikely that wholesome Lizzie could manage to get so smashed at the Jungle Prom that she slurs her words, takes off with her sister’s boyfriend and gets behind the wheel WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING SHE IS INTOXICATED. It is also fairly ridiculous, because in earlier editions of SVH, the twins quite happily crack open a bottle of champers in celebration [provided by Nalice, of course] and Liz seems to hold her own.

5]Dear Sister…I’m ashamed to admit that until medical school I thought that post-traumatic amnesia could turn you into a raging whore. And that Bruce Patman bashing your head against a wooden floor could somehow reverse it.

6]From my understanding of genetics, the tendency to have fraternal twins can be inherited [it is the result of mum releasing extra eggs per cycle.] However, identical twins are literally a freak of nature [the zygote splits] which means that having them in every generation is extremely rare, as in “Today Tonight” worthy! Which makes “The Wakefield Legacy: The Untold Story” quite a medical marvel, because in just about every generation of the twins’ ancestry is a set of size-six, blue-green-eyed, blonde, female identical twins!

7]Regina Morrow is just a walking medical marvel…or at least was. Sudden death from one-line-of-cocaine-on-a-background-of-rare-cardiac-valve-defect just doesn’t add up! Cocaine overdose is a common cause of sudden cardiac death from ischemia [i.e. a heart attack] in the young as it causes the coronary arteries supplying the heart to spasm. But this amount? With this weird explanation? I think probably not. Also what was that crazy story about her nerve deafness being cured by Swiss doctors? FYI, the cochlear implant as we know it was invented by an Aussie, Dr Graeme Clark, and didn’t become available to the mid 90s. I guess if you live in SV and are a Patman/Morrow or Fowler….

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6 Responses to “Medical Marvels”

  1. Daniella September 16, 2010 at 6:32 am #

    If you are to include SVU, don’t forget Mike McAllery’s amazing ability to become un-paralyzed in a few weeks’ time after he is accidentally shot.

  2. Jessica Squits the Quad March 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    I swear there are so many more of these, I just can’t think of them all right now. What about when Mandy Miller beats cancer in like 2 weeks in SVT?

    • winstonegbert June 3, 2011 at 8:55 am #

      Ha! Did she also go to Switzerland? It seems to be the place to go for these things.

  3. Laura Kate June 1, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

    I love how you said that given the story arc of the evil twin saga that Margo surviving that cartoid laceration was plausible. And I love that my 13 year old self totally bought it. Why couldn’t Margo hijack the ambulance? Why couldn’t Margo hold her breath and convince everyone she was dead? Of course Margo has an identical twin! She’s Margo! Every year after my exams I reread this series. I think I may start it again tonight.

    • winstonegbert June 3, 2011 at 8:52 am #

      Yay! I have a similar tradition, but at Christmas. This year I will be hiding it behing my Missal book at Westminster Abbey.

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