Tag Archives: regina morrow

The One Where Nicholas Morrow proves he’s still got it: SVH #26 “HOSTAGE”

14 Jan

I recently spent an entire 22-hour plane ride engrossed in “Dancing on My Grave”, the tell-all autobiography of America’s prima ballerina Gelsey Kirkland. It’s a haunting read, depicting the mental torment of Kirkland, [who is in my opinion the greatest classical ballerina of the 20th century] and her well-publicised battle with cocaine.

So as I drifted off to sleep in that mid-afternoon, jet-lagged haze, where do you think my thoughts took me? To Baryshnikov? No! To the New York City Ballet? No!

Engrained in my conscious from a very young age is of course that ominous association between cocaine and…. Regina Morrow.

Oh,oh with white teeth

Oh, oh Regina…. [I googled this. I think it’s a Bjork song]

Now I’ve recapped Regina’s untimely end previously, so when I was wide awake at 4am the following day, I started reading this epic little piece of fiction: SVH #26 “Hostage”. It’s the story of Bruce and the twin’s secret mission to free Regina from a “mean little man” [their words, not mine] and his evil accomplice.

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Sweet Valley: Taking the Moral High Ground Since 1983

9 Feb

 

I was fortunate enough recently to have the chance to browse through the religion section of Joshua Fowler State Library. After I managed to push aside the gold-plated Wakefield replicas, I found a rare copy of the original Sweet Valley Bible. You won’t believe some of the stuff that was in there:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF THE VALLEY

  1. Do not have any other gods before me.

…Unless they are Wakefields, who were put on earth to be adored, and worshipped, and admired by all.

2. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

…And Elizabeth will make sure of it.

3. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

…By going to the Beach Disco, Palomar House, The Box Tree Cafe, and Miller’s Point. No dry humping please, this is Moses.

4. For six days you shall labour and do all your work.

…Which translates to scheming, manipulating, meddling, shoulder-patting, and maintaining the journalistic integrity of the entire f-ing universe. Who knows, you might even get time to take in a class or two at Sweet Valley High?

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When Lila Met Stacey, Chapter 6 “The New Jessica”, or, “Karen’s Tattletale”

20 Sep

You ask, Winston delivers:

[if you missed the first five, go here]

When Lila Met Stacey, Chapter 6

“The New Jessica,” or, “Karen’s Tattletale”

“Jess! Jess! Open up!” 26-year-old Jessica Wakefield rolled over and settled back into her peaceful dream. She was at the Ivy, with Travis, sipping a margarita and pretending not to notice the swarms of hot guys checking her out. She seductively swung her hips and turned to stand on the edge of the enormous pool, aware that everyone around was admiring her…

“Jessica!” Who the hell was calling her name? She stretched out her long, slender arms to begin her graceful dive and hit..the sewing machine?!

“Ow!” Jessica awoke with a start, and rubbed her throbbing elbow. She yawned, peeling open her bleary eyes, and realized that her bed had been replaced by a desk, and her plush purple comforter was nowhere in sight. The scrap of gold sequined lame stuck to her forehead confirmed it – Jessica Wakefield had actually slept at work.

Jessica groaned. Since she’d discovered on Friday that a wench called Cokie Mason had stolen her designs, Jessica had worked the entire weekend trying to revamp her collection. She remembered the way Cokie had sneered at her pieces – products of hours of labour – and the familiar anger rose in her chest like bile.

She looked around the room, which was strewn with pieces of brightly coloured fabric and flimsy threads, and the voice sounded at the door again: “Jess!?”

“Alright, alright!” Jessica yelled back.

“I’m turning into Elizabeth,” she muttered, stumbling over a pile of silver lycra on her way to the door. Lila would not be happy – this place was chaos.

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What’s wrong with this picture? Or #13 “Kidnapped”

28 Jun

Elizabeth tried out her #1 self defence weapon – her extraordinarily long arm

We begin with a chapter that is wrong it so many ways I have isolated only the top three:

1] Jessica is waiting for Liz to return from an evening of saving the world, so they can attend a glitzy party at the home of Sweet Valley’s newest millionaires, the Morrows. She is squeezing into a piece of blue silk that would probably raise the whore-factor on Betsy Martin, and her zipper gets stuck! Too many onion rings at the Dairi Burger, methinks!

Luckily, Steven is home from college AGAIN [seriously, Nalice is paying his fees for this??] so he comes to the rescue. And here, I quote one of the most twisted and incestuous pieces from Sweet Valley high to date:

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